the meathead perspective

November 16, 2022

Add Nitpicking

Hello friends, casual acquaintances, and random strangers who somehow accidentally ended up here while searching for sexy photos of John Cena, Grandpa Meathead is back to brighten your day with another one of my patented “album reviews.” Today we’re going to be scrutinizing number 2 of Nine Inch Nails’ three-E.P. thing (just the latest of T.R.’s blatant ripoffs of Scottish musical group The Beta Band, like we get it already, you can stop now). Let’s just hope this E.P. is not actually “number 2” though, if you catch my drift, ha ha ha. Poop. But before I venture forth into this virgin territory of disappointment, let’s talk about some other bullshit for a while, as is my wont.

Those of you who hate reading will be thrilled to learn that I recently spent roughly an hour of my weekend – time which could have been used for doing any number of other, more fulfilling things – fixing up the cartoons archive on this website, so that it, you know, works. It seems some total rando on the internet named “trapexit” (who may or may not have been looking for sexy photos of John Cena) has taken it upon themselves to convert all my old, terrible Flash animations into a more technologically palatable file format and upload them to the popular video-sharing site YouTube, which must have taken much longer than an hour. I simply updated my "Vote for Pedro"-era HTML to link to these YouTube versions and voila, the archive is now restored to the absolute bare-minimum functionality that you deserve as a Meathead Perspective reader. Because of your unparalleled selflessness, trapexit, I present you with this prestigious award that took me about two and a half minutes to make:

While it's fantastic that they were rescued at the last second from being flushed down the toilet of history and lost forever, it’s difficult to overstate the intensity of the cringing that I frequently experienced throughout the process of looking back at all of these terrible animations, after what feels like several lifetimes of not having to looking at them. Sure, there was the occasional chuckle at suddenly remembering some ancient, dorky in-joke that maybe a maximum of five people might have gotten, but there were also a lot of awkward reminders of how dramatically different the world of 2022 is from that of 2002. I mean yeah, I’m still a giant fucking dickhead, just a somewhat more self-aware dickhead these days. So if Trent ever decides to actually write, record and publish a song called “I Like Dudes,” more power to him. Let your freak flag fly.

But putting aside these inevitable problematic moments, not to mention my atrocious drawing abilities, the laziest animation this side of Adult Swim, and the obnoxious music choices, they’ve held up pretty well, I think. And even though there’s a greater scientific probability of T.R. winning a country music award than there is of a new cartoon ever appearing on this site again, at least this should hopefully shut you the hell up for five minutes. Bonus points if you can even spot a cameo by that Pink Floyd guy Roger Waters!

With that being said, let us now turn our attention to the matter at hand: discussing the follow-up to NIN’s upsettingly enjoyable 2017 E.P. Not the Actual Events. As you may recall, what I had anticipated being a total snoozefest with maybe one decent song actually ended up being almost all decent songs! It even earned an extremely rare Meathead Perspective certificate of recognition, which I have no doubt is currently framed and hanging proudly above Trent's mantlepiece, after they pushed all those stupid Grammys, Oscars and Emmys out of the way in order to make room.

Was it just a fluke, or will Trenticus continue their winning streak with Add Violence (2017)? Is it really possible to still know how to rock when you're this far past the Brimley/Cocoon Line? Let's find out! Or, rather, let me find out, since I guess I'm the only one who hasn't listened to this shit yet.

IMPORTANT: After consulting with my spiritual advisor, I have decided to return to the tried-and-true Larry, Darryl and Darryl rating system, because this is my goddamn page and I can do whatever the fuck I want. May the fruit of this practice be to accomplish the highest benefit for all beings and all things everywhere. Om maṇi padme hūṃ.

Less Than

Well, what do you know, someone’s certainly been binge watching Stranger Things on Netflix! NIN's long-overdue ode to the left crocodile had me legitimately thinking for a second that the year was “less than” 1990, and that I was sparring with my martial arts instructor in an inspirational training montage, preparing myself for an epic third-act fight for your honor against Billy Zabka. But then I remembered that it’s the present and everything sucks, we're all going to die and Donald Trump is probably going to be the president again. Bogus!

Anyone who really knows me knows that my ultimate dream is for former Chicago frontman Peter Cetera to take over Nine Inch Nails after Trent retires. Or if that’s too much to ask, I'd settle for a collaboration between the two (and Atticus I guess, why not), with an album of dissonant soft rock power ballads that have some bad words in them. Although, frankly, I can only imagine the ego clashes that might result from putting two iconic musicians of that caliber (and Atticus) in the studio together. To be a fly on the wall…

Anyway, we're obviously still at least six months or so away from any of that happening, but I have to say, "Less Than" scratches that itch a little for now. Therefore, this qualifies as a less-than-five (four) Larry endeavor. A couple Darryls, sure, but hey, what can you do. Nobody's perfect, not even Peter Cetera.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:

FINAL SCORE: 36

The Lovers

Okay, seriously, what is it with track 2 on these E.P.s? Is there a clause in Trent’s contract that he has to whisper disinterestedly over a repetitive loop that never goes anywhere? I can practically smell the Funyuns on his breath. Gross.

This song feels like being stuck in rush hour traffic (something I know a thing or two about). There’s a lot of waiting, slowly inching forward, until suddenly it looks like maybe it’s about to start really going somewhere. Maybe someone finally moved that tiny piece of cardboard lying on the road that was holding everything up. Here we go, finally, let’s go, wait, nope, brake lights again. Fuck. Come on, move it! HONK

I’m not going to bring up that other song again, you know, the one named after a form of cardiovascular exercise, but if any song is Add Violence’s version of that song, this would certainly be it. I’ll give this 2.5 Larrys because it is still better than, say, jury duty. Unless it's the kind where they just make you come in for a couple hours and then thank you for your service and let you go home. That's not too bad. But listening to "The Lovers" is definitely preferable to getting stuck on a murder trial for a month, I'll admit to that. And the great news is that, just like jury duty, now that I've fulfilled my civic duty, I don’t have to go through this again for at least another year.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:

FINAL SCORE: 4.05

This Isn’t the Place

Wowee wow wow wow. Once again, just when I was about to say "hell with this" and go listen to Chicago's Greatest Hits instead, the NIN guys have gone and redeemed themselves with track 3. I was fully prepared to make some more snarky remarks here, and maybe even throw in a shitty Photoshop or two. I was even going to try to shoehorn in an Ace Hardware ("Ace is the Place") reference somehow. But this isn't the place for such nonsense. This is a quality goddamn song. Yes, even better than "25 or 6 to 4." For once, I don't have a single shitty thing to say about it.

You know, as I always say on here, there is one aspect of passing through this vale of tears that I do have some shitty things to say about: the longer you live, the more you get to experience the loss of family and close friends. It's just an unavoidable, sad fact of life. Sometimes you're able to see it coming, and other times it just comes out of nowhere. This song evokes some of the feelings that come with the latter, and I'm not crying, you're crying, shut up. It's allergies.

So, yeah, thanks a bunch for fucking up my otherwise hilarious review with your sad-ass, beautiful song. Dick.

Okay, gotta pull it together. Goddamn it. This is the Meathead Perspective, we don't do "feelings" here. I'm going to need to take a break and listen to something lighthearted and silly like "Capital G" for a couple minutes. Talk amongst yourselves.

In the meantime, I'm awarding "This Isn’t the Place" an unprecedented score of 7 Larrys, the maximum permitted by law. That's right. Savor the flavor!

Not Anymore

Okay, I’m back. Right now, I’ll bet you’re thinking, “Gosh, I just witnessed history! The very first flawless seven-Larry rating! Will Meathead continue being so kind and generous?”

Not anymore!

No, this song will not be getting seven Larrys, but I suppose it does have its charm. The transition from verse to chorus makes me feel weird, like drinking orange juice right after brushing my teeth. Or more like being waterboarded with orange juice, right after brushing my teeth. But not necessarily in a bad way. Does that make sense? It’s a little unconventional, and I really want to like it. I am trying to believe.

Oh, and it’s that really pulpy orange juice, too. I mean, a little bit of pulp is fine, but this is just distressingly pulpy. Like Jesus Christ they just tossed the whole damn orange in here and then hocked a loogie in it. Except in this case, I should clarify that by "pulp" I mean "reverb."

After some long and thoughtful deliberation, I’ve decided to give “Not Anymore” 3.5 Larrys. Just a little bit of Cetera magic, or even a return visit from our friend Kenny G., could have bumped this up to a nice, even 4. Live and learn!

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:

FINAL SCORE: 24?

The Background World

And just like that, “Not Anymore” is not playing anymore, after being so rudely interrupted by “The Background World.” What ever happened to manners? I swear, NIN songs these days. Wait your turn. (Just between you and me, I’m kind of glad though. Shhh.)

This is a nice, chill little tune about getting left behind, reaching through something or other, being asleep/awake, you know, the usual NIN shit these days. I'm into the Peter Gabriel vibe they've got going on here – he's definitely one of my favorite singer/songwriters named Peter whose band rose to fame in the '70s but really came into their own as a solo artist in the '80s that has come up in this review so far.

This reminds me of th wait, why is the song skipping now? I'm not listening to this on a Sony Discman in my car while driving on a bumpy road in the year 1996, last I checked. This is the 21st goddamn century with iPhones and Mars rovers and shit, and this is still an issue? I’m paying $10 a month for this Spotify subscription, and this is what my hard-earned money gets me, apparently. Wonderful. I guess I'm going to have to switch to fucking Tidal now.

Okay, so upon closer inspection, it appears this part of the song actually sounds like this. Great. Nice job, guys! I’m sure this won’t get progressively more and more annoying for the next seven and a half minutes.

Anyway…

Hey Trent you left the tape running

Hello

Are you there

Hello

Is Atticus there

Alan Mold… Moulder? Is he still a thing

Anybody

Did you guys just leave

Helloooooooooooooooo

Can someone stop the song please

Seriously, I don’t even care who, is there a janitor there or something

It’s really irresponsible to waste so much electricity guys

I’m going to report this to the DWP

Come on, guys, you can't just fucking leave

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me

Ooh-ooh-ooh, no

Baby please don't go

Seriously though where did you guys go

Did you go out for lunch

I’m hungry

I think I still have half a chicken sandwich left in the fridge

Wilco did this shtick better by the way

Hellooooooooo

Oh, thank god, it finally stopped. Where am I? Well, whatever that was, it was certainly a fun little way to pad the runtime on this E.P. More enjoyable than "March of the Fuckheads" at any rate (look at Meathead coming with the deep cuts). I’ll be nice and give “The Background World” four Larrys, but I'm sorry, I would be derelict in my duties if I didn’t also give out one Darryl for every minute of this gimmicky ending. It's hard for me to say I'm sorry; I just want you to know.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:

FINAL SCORE: π×r²

OVERALL SCORE: 718.6 (thanks to real MVP “This Isn’t the Place” doing the heavy lifting)

Great news, [name of NIN member], your extended play recording’s score of 718.6 officially qualifies as “pretty good,” earning you another punch on your Meathead Perspective Rewards Club card! You’re just one more punch away from a FREE PASS on any upcoming song that would otherwise be ridiculed endlessly on this website, no matter how awful it is. It could literally just be you belching the cantina theme from Star Wars, and I won’t say anything bad about it whatsoever. Not even after I disappear for another 13 years and then finally decide to review whatever the nursing home staff let you record while I was gone. You guys work hard (I assume), so consider this the Meathead Perspective's way of giving back. You're the inspiration!

So, any other business to talk about? No? Wonderful. Looks like that just about does it, then, for this little outing, but worry not, I’ll be back in just two weeks to pick on the final Nine Inch Nails release ever, whatever the hell this is supposed to be: