the meathead perspective

October 12, 2022

don't say skid marks don't say skid marks don't say skid marks

Hi guys, I'm back with my hotly anticipated critique of the new (to me) Nine Inch Nails record, Skid Marks.

Fuck!

God damn it. Sorry. Let me start over.

Hi guys, I'm back with my hotly anticipated critique of the new (to me) Nine Inch Nails record, Hesitation Marks. Yeah, great job, Meathead, you're crushing it man. This is just the kind of quality content people have been waiting 13 years for.

This album came out back in 2013, which was also the year James Gandolfini died. I was really sad to hear of his passing. He was such a talented actor. The Sopranos was easily one of the best shows of the 2000s, if not of all time. Even the intro was so cool. With most TV shows I skip past the opening credits, but not The Sopranos, it just feels wrong, you know? It really sets the mood of the show.

I once read that Mr. Gandolfini would sometimes put a small pebble in his shoe whenever they were filming a scene where he had to act irritated about something. Isn't that neat? Would you have thought of that? I sure wouldn't have. Genius.

I remember that one Sopranos episode, "Pine Barrens," where Paulie and Chris have to take some guy way out into the woods to “whack” him. But then the guy gets away, and then Paulie and Chris are lost and can't find their way back to the car. Eventually it's starting to get dark and it's the middle of winter so they're getting desperate to find someplace to keep warm and some food to eat. I don't want to spoil it too much in case you haven't seen it, but it's just an amazing episode. Funny thing is that James Gandolfini was barely even in that one.

He also put in a first-rate performance in the 2001 film The Man Who Wasn't There, by the Coen brothers. Apparently some folks were turned off by the fact that it's in black and white, but I feel like it was a good artistic choice, considering the story is set in the 1940s. That whole movie is criminally underrated if you ask me.

Shit, I still have to review that NIN album. All right, let’s get this over with.

Oh, by the way, I know a lot of people like to hate on the Sopranos finale, but I thought it was a satisfactory ending. I mean how else were they supposed to end it, with a song and dance number? Come on.

Okay. Back to the review.

So before I grab my shovel and dig into this steaming pile of exceptional tunes, I want to take a minute to explain my new rating system, since it’s been brought to my attention that some Perspective readers have found my previous methods confusing and upsetting.

I can’t imagine why any of you would feel that way, but I want you all to know that I’ve listened to your concerns, and this time around I’ve gone to great lengths to ensure that everyone will be able to understand and enjoy this review, regardless of their reading ability and overall level of intelligence.

Now I know how much all of you love the TV sitcom Newhart, which aired from 1982 to 1990 on CBS. I get it. I even gave in and made a NIN/Newhart crossover music video just because you kept incessantly begging me to, day in and day out, for months on end. You just wouldn’t. shut. up. But that’s okay, because my #1 priority is you guys.

In the incredibly unlikely event that anyone reading this is not intimately familiar with all the ins and outs of Newhart, let me get you up to speed so you can understand how this all pertains to my long-delayed analysis of Trent Reznor's (and Atticus) 2013 masterpiece. Obviously I don't want to get too far into the weeds here — I've still got an album to review, after all!

So basically this show is set in rural Vermont, where Dick Loudon (Bob Newhart) and his wife Joanna run a little bed & breakfast type place. There are plenty of quirky characters that come and go, but for the purposes of this review we're going to focus specifically on Larry, his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl, a trio of friendly but socially awkward local bumpkins who frequently drop by the inn, always together. Out of the three, Larry is the only one who ever speaks, making a point to introduce himself and his brothers every time they make an entrance, to raucous applause from the studio audience.

What does any of this have to do with Hesitation Marks? Well, today's review utilizes a meticulously designed method hereupon known as The Larry, Darryl and Darryl Rating System to assess the quality of each song, as well as the album as a whole.

Larry
Darryl
Other Darryl

Each song will be given a specific number of Larrys, Darryls and Other Darryls (shown above) based on specific criteria. First, the song will be assigned anywhere from one to seven Larrys, to gauge my initial reactions to hearing it. A one-Larry rating means I'm struggling with every ounce of my being not to press stop and cancel my Spotify subscription just to avoid the possibility of accidentally ever hearing it again. Seven Larrys means it's so fucking brilliant that Mark Nicholas Onofrio must have written it.

Next, I will designate one Darryl for each time I cringe throughout the duration of the song, up to a maximum of twelve Darryls. The reasons for cringing can vary, from worn-out tropes like references to obeying or being on one's knees, unnecessary grunts, grade-school grammatical errors like "have chose," or Proper Fuck Placement™ violations. In the event that the entire song provokes one long, continuous cringe, the maximum number of Darryls will be assigned.

Now I’m aware that a first-blush opinion can often evolve over time, and I’ve taken that into account. After I’ve had a little time to digest everything and talk to my therapist, I’ll go back over my notes, reevaluate, and assign each track an Other Darryl rating. If the song is even worse than initially thought, it will get one Other Darryl. If it’s about the same, three Other Darryls. If it somehow ends up seeming not quite as bad in hindsight, six Other Darryls.

Once all Larrys, Darryls and Other Darryls have been tallied, I’ll calculate each song’s final score using the formula (l × {d +10}²] × od) ÷ 2. (Or just make up a number, whichever is easier.)

Simple, right?

There’s one more thing, though. I want to preface this by stating that there is no reason to think this would ever really be necessary, but just in case a song happens to be so ridiculously off the fucking rails that I have to double check that I’m even still listening to Nine Inch Nails and not Imagine Dragons or some shit, the Larry, Darryl and Other Darryl system will no longer apply. Instead, the offending track will get one of these:

George

That’s obviously George Utley, Newhart’s bumbling but lovable handyman. Once again, this is purely hypothetical, but if any track(s) on Hesitation Marks were to actually warrant a George rating, its final score would be calculated using the formula g × 0 - 500. Not to worry, though. You can rest assured that a song would have to be really, really fucked up to get a George. I’m sure this is the last we’ll see of him.

Now that we’ve gotten all the technical stuff out of the way, it’s finally time for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Let’s talk about this album cover already!

It’s pretty impressive how this artwork so effectively manages to evoke both feelings of “It’s not just a phase, mom” and “I really need to get around to cleaning the grout in my shower.” If this record had come out today rather than a decade ago, I’d bet my next paycheck that Trent had typed “NIN 1995 diarrhea nightmare” into one of those AI art generators, clicked on the third result and said “fuck it, print it.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the worst cover they’ve ever done, but feels just a bit too much of a stylistic retread for my taste — you don’t even have to read the title to know it’s obviously Nine Inch Nails. That’s okay, though. There are plenty of classic albums with not-so-great covers out there, such as Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys, Kid A by Radiohead, and Picnic of Love by Anal Cunt. There’s no reason to assume that Hesitation Marks wouldn’t be right at home amongst those seminal works simply because its cover looks like a bargain bin Russell Mills knockoff. Let’s give the guy the benefit of the doubt. After all, let’s remember he did promise he wouldn’t ever let us down or make us hurt. Wait, sorry, no, that was Rick Astley. Uh… let’s just move on.

A more cynical reader might be thinking by now that I’m stalling in order to put off actually having to listen to this record for as long as humanly possible. Let me assure you that is absolutely not the case. You have no idea how thrilled and excited I am to finally be on the verge of experiencing Hesitation Marks for the first time, after nine years of not experiencing it. I have nothing but the highest expectations, and am in no way bracing myself for the inevitable bitter sting of disappointment.

What is disappointment, anyway? In the 1980s, psychologist Robert Plutchik proposed his famous “Wheel of Emotions” theory, with the eight basic human emotions arranged in pairs of opposites. It illustrates how these primary emotions cycle through one another and create secondary, more nuanced states like boredom, admiration or aggressiveness. Disappointment is one of these such feelings, an offshoot stemming from sadness, when reality falls short of a desired outcome.

But that’s definitely not about to happen here! Come on, guys, let’s go explore Hesitation Marks!

In 3, 2, 1…

Here we go!

Ready?

And… action!

The Eater of Dreams
Okay, it's go time. Gonna press play right now. Riiiight… now. Pressing play. Now.

The fuck you mean I have to update the Spotify app? Right now? Seriously? Fine, update…

Okay, it's back. Now pressing play.

Oh hey, wow, this is interesting. You know what, I'm kind of actually liking this. It's definitely a departure from previous albums. Now I feel like kind of an asshole for talking so much shit earlier. Can't wait to see where Trent is going with this!

Wait.

Shit, I had the wrong thing cued up, this is Reachin' (A New Refutation of Time and Space) by Digable Planets. I thought it sounded familiar. Sorry, let me start over. Just go to Search, and type in Nine Inch Nails Hes… yeah there it is. Great. All right, let me just open it up here… it cannot be overstated how psyched I am for this. Here we go.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

THAT’S NOT A SONG ASSHOLE

Sorry, that was rude. I'm trying to be more considerate of other people's feelings. Allow me to rephrase: In my humblest of opinions, I fail to understand the need for this track, and personally believe "The Eater of 52 Seconds of My Life That I'll Never Get Back" would serve as a more apt title. With all due respect, sirs, I dare say my air conditioner makes more interesting "music" than this. Please and thank you.

LARRY:
DARRYL: none (A cringe or two would have made it at least a little bit interesting)
OTHER DARRYL:

FINAL SCORE: 0

Copy of a
The first track on the album that sounds like it was recorded on purpose, "Copy of a" feels like it belongs on a VHS copy of a 1980s aerobics workout video. 1, 2, 1, 2, that's it! Down, down, down and up. Now the other side. Down, down, down and up. Catch up with yourself, come on! That's it! Sure, exercise is good for you, and I guess it's commendable that Trent and Atticus are encouraging their listeners to put down their vape pens, get up off the couch and work up a little sweat for once. But now that we've got our cardio in, is it too much to hope for at least one legitimately good track on this album? Come on. I promise I'll exercise more.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:

FINAL SCORE: 8

C-C-C-Came Back Ha-Ha-Haunted
This is apparently the first single from Hesitation Marks. Not the one I would have picked, but yet again nobody bothered to consult with me, which is a little fucked up but I've made peace with it. It's cool. I see how it is.

I’ve also made peace with the fact that “it’s not the worst NIN song” is the new “this is a good song.” I wouldn’t go out of my way to listen to this, but if I were riding in a car with someone and they decided to play it, I probably wouldn’t grab the steering wheel and force the car into oncoming traffic. It’s even grown on me a little since the first listen, like a weird, embarrassing fungus that I have to get a prescription cream for. But I do need to address the fact that it’s just not cool to make fun of people with speech impediments — that might have flown back in 2013, but we’re living in 2022 now. So that’s definitely going to knock a Larry or two off your score.

LARRY: >
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:

FINAL SCORE: 12

Find My Way
Finally, a decent song. Just kidding, it's not that good. Just kidding, it's actually the best on this record so far (although to be fair, the bar is so low right now that Kevin Hart would have a hard time limboing under it). "Even Deeper"-like flavor on the palette, with hints of "The Great Below" and a touch of "Leaving Hope,” and a dry finish. Pairs well with Zapp's potato chips.

LARRY:
DARRYL: none (Great job, Atticus!)
OTHER DARRYL:

FINAL SCORE: 25

All Time Low
All right, time to put on some fuck music. Ngl (You kids still say "ngl," right? Does that make me sound like I'm not 43?) I kinda like this one. I honestly shouldn't enjoy listening to 65-year-old Trent (or however old he was at the time) sing "baby, baby" but in this par-tic-u-lar sce-nar-i-o it's so weird that it strangely works.

Also, sick arpeggios, brah. 🤙

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 68

Disappointed
This definitely qualifies as the most appropriately named song on Hesitation Marks. Why this wasn’t the title of the whole album is beyond me. Ha ha, joking. That's what I do. Make jokes. I'm a funny guy.

I have to say, when looking at the album cover, I was envisioning more of a gritty, noisy, industrial kind of vibe, and less of a "dicking around with a 30-day trial of Fruity Loops" kind of vibe. Beep boop boink. I'm bored. Let’s get to this next song already, because I know you're waiting for it.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 7

Everything
Okay, I need to sit down and have a little talk with you guys for a minute. Throughout the past nine years or so, I have had quite a number of individuals ask for my opinion on this particular song. Apparently it’s quite a polarizing little ditty, either loved (by a few) or loathed (by most) with virtually no area in between. It’s even been called a “career ender.” And because I’m Meathead and nothing's ever good enough, I 100% assumed I would land squarely with a wet thud in the “loathe it” camp. I went into this completely expecting a record-scratch “what in the absolute ever-loving mother of fuck is this horse shit” moment when this song would start, and imagined myself impulsively hurling my device at the nearest vertical surface, thereby officially concluding this review. We all know this song was the reason for the creation of the George rating. You know it, I know it, even George knows it (RIP Tom Poston).

You know what? I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you people are idiots. Could “Everything,” by any stretch of the imagination, be considered the best NIN song ever recorded, or even the best on this album? Not quite. But there are many, many, many NIN songs that are worse. Like at least thirty. True, it does stick out like a sore thumb. It's not popular. It never gets laid. It gets shoved into its locker by the cool songs like "Closer" and "Get Down Make Love.” Can't imagine why, but strangely I empathize with it just a little bit.

You fuckers really hyped this up, trying to prime me to hate this. "Oh my god it's in a major key, what a douchebag." I’m not mad at you; everyone is entitled to their opinion even if it's wrong. I’m just mad that I don’t get to use George now. He died for nothing, and I really hope you’re happy.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 5000 (just to piss you off)

Satellite
Okay, now that all that's out of the way, it’s time to get back to the mediocrity we’ve all come to know and love. This is certainly one of the more yawn-inducing moments on Hesitation Marks, only marginally more interesting than "The Disappointment Song" or whatever that was called. However, it does get a little better towards the end, but not until after Trent takes it upon himself to sing "come on" precisely 584 times (yes, I counted). Because of this, I am legally compelled to give "Satellite" the dreaded maximum twelve-Darryl rating. Sorry, my hands are tied. Take it up with your local congressperson.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 4.75

Various Methods of Escape
An improvement over "Satellite" (as many songs are). Not terrible, and slightly better after revisiting it. Nice to hear some real drums for a change, instead of whatever Thom Yorke-solo-album bullshit they keep going back to on here. Picking up some "Dead Souls" vibes near the end, and I'm here for that. Maybe this bodes well for the rest of the album?

LARRY:
DARRYL: none
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 27

Running
Here it is, folks! The worst song on Hesitation Marks!

The most generous thing I can say about “Running” is that it sounds like it would be perfect to perform CPR to. Anyone who genuinely finds this dreck more appealing than "Everything" deserves to be institutionalized. This song is so irritating that even Adrian Sherwood couldn't possibly fuck it up any more. The guards at Guantanamo Bay wouldn't be sadistic enough to force the prisoners to listen to this.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: -82

I Would for You
One thing about “I Would For You” that initially stood out to me was the strangely satisfying transition from the verses to the chorus, but then I realized that’s only because I can’t stand the verses. Womp womp womp. This one small saving grace is the only thing keeping it from the bottom of the barrel. It would be nice if Trent would go do some more "All Time Low"-type songs instead, for me.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 3

In Two
After the last couple tracks, I was about ready to just press stop and make up the rest of the review, like I did back when With Teeth came out. Like "Yeah, 'While I'm Still Here' kicked ass, that 10-minute didgeridoo solo was out of this world." Then this weird-ass song showed up and I genuinely couldn't decide whether to hate it or not. Think "Heresy" meets the Transformers theme song, with a twist of the slow part of "Mr. Self Destruct." I was not that into it in the beginning but now I feel like it could potentially become my favorite on the album. It earns its share of Darryls, for sure, but it's also much more engaging than, say, "Running."

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 22

While I'm Still Here (feat. Kenny G)
Not to be confused with "Wish," a better song, in "W.I.S.H." we are forced to listen to Trent ramble about the end of the world or whatever for a few more minutes, over another wobbly minimalist beat (as Tony Soprano would say, aw Jesus Christ)… and then, surprise! Kenny G makes what I'm 99 percent sure is his first guest appearance to date on a NIN record, bringing it with his smooth jazz sax as only he can. It's a shame Trent was too stingy to let him really cut loose rather than just teasing us with a few notes — "While I'm Still Here" could have easily scored as many as five Larrys. Lesson learned!

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 12

Black Noise
Bookending the album with another “why is this a song?” song, the last couple minutes of “While I’m Still Here” are inexplicably cordoned off as a separate track with its own title, like Trent and Atticus think they're making Dark Side of the Moon or something. Still, at least it's from the better end of the song, and it's easily the best track in terms of lyrics.

LARRY:
DARRYL: none
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 19

Find My Way (Oneohtrix Point Never remix)
Well thank Christ that's finally over. Now I can go back to clipping my toenails. Oh, this is the Deluxe version? For fuck's sake. I shouldn't even bother with the remixes, but I would for you! (Ha ha)

This remix should "find its way" to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Fuck off with your pipe organs and your ridiculous-ass stage name.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 0.never

All Time Low (Todd Rundgren remix)
And in a surprise upset, 70's rocker Todd Rundgren's wildly inappropriate reworking of "All Time Low" steals the coveted George rating right out from under "Everything"'s nose! Exactly which drugs were required in order to think "Hey I know what would really kick this song up a notch, ABBA vocals"? Whatever they are, just say no. There is literally no reason to ever listen to this remix. Seriously, what is it with guys named Todd anyway, always pulling shit like this.

GEORGE:

FINAL SCORE: -500

While I'm Still Here (Breyer P-Orridge 'Howler' remix)
Ngl, I'm pretty checked out at this point. After having endured fuckin' Todd over there's barbaric mangling of one of the least bad songs on Hesitation Marks, literally anything else is an improvement (yes, even "Running").

"Ticking time is running out," yeah not soon enough, there's still like four more minutes of this. How the act of awkwardly tacking three unasked-for half-ass remixes to the end of the album makes it any more "Deluxe" than someone adding a turd to my cheeseburger is beyond me. I'm giving this what-have-you two Larrys out of the goodness of my heart, just because Todd didn't have anything to do with it.

LARRY:
DARRYL:
OTHER DARRYL:
FINAL SCORE: 0.08

OVERALL ALBUM SCORE: 54.6

Wow, 54.6! That's a pretty good score! Or maybe it's a terrible score. I don't know, I suck at math. Regardless, I finally bit the bullet and listened to this thing, just for you. You're welcome.

I can't begin to comprehend the warped mind of anyone who considers Hesitation Marks to be the best NIN album. Do you also consider The Irishman to be the best Scorcese film, knowing full well that Goodfellas exists? Who are you people?

That said, it does still have its moments (Hesitation Marks, not The Irishman), and it's not like I could do any better (with the exception of "Running"). It's just too bad I wasn't around to attend any shows in which these songs were performed, but I take comfort in the fact that if I had, there would have been ample opportunity to go and use the restroom.

On a personal note, it is a profoundly strange feeling to be back in this place with you weirdos again, after sitting out through nearly the entire Obama administration and then that other guy, and it feels almost like I never left. Talking shit about Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross (and whoever else is unfortunate enough to get caught in the crossfire) is clearly my true calling in life. I'm getting a little verklempt. Hey, is Josh Freeze still around?

I'll be back in a couple weeks to take a shit all over the next entry in the NIN oeuvre, 2016's Not the Actual Events, which mercifully is only an EP. I checked Wikipedia and neither "Running" nor "Todd" are anywhere to be seen, though, so I suppose it can't be that bad. See you soon!