April 9, 2008
A Visit From Mr. McFeely!

Ever since I started eating my Wheaties and doing this stupid Meathead Perspective bullshit more than once a year, apparently some people have interpreted that to mean that I actually care about what they have to say about the site (or anything else). I'm deeply and truly sorry to anyone who may have inadvertently been given cause to feel that I want to receive emails from them; I can assure you that it was never my intention to lead you on. It's probably my fault for wearing this sexy miniskirt. Oh oops, I dropped something, let me just bend over and pick it up... ;)

What the hell Anyway, since the damage has already been done and I already have these stupid emails festering in my inbox, and since I don't feel like cleaning the bathroom, I guess I might as well create the illusion that I'm doing something productive by answering them here. In the future, please remember that under no circumstances do I want to receive emails from you. I created my email account to receive info about great deals on medicine for my erectile dysfunction, not to get stupid questions and comments about Trent Reznor and friends.

Dear Meathead,

Could you put the April 1st Jesus Saves Special en the current or the archive page of the meathead perspective? Thanks a lot! Regards


I got a number of emails about this, and I have no idea what these people are talking about. "Jesus Saves?" Someone much l33ter than me must have hacked my website that day. I wasn't even around on April 1, actually I was out of town that day. I was doing important stuff in Asia, if you must know, because I -- actually, now that I think about it, it's much more satisfying to be an enigmatic douchenozzle about it and never tell you why I was there, so I guess you'll never know. Sorry!

about Robin

He is ugly
He dresses like shit
He doesn't care how he looks
He is always trying to look like shit

Why on earth is he back ?
You know why Danny Lohner is not back and why he left in the first place ?

He is better looking than Trent (Reznor)
Thats right

The manson bassist would probably be a 40 year old virgin if he wasn't in a band
Aaron digs dudes
Allesandro smells
Josh Freeze is not human

So reznor (trent) is the only one left, like hell he is not gonna hire back brad pitt's younger brother

That is pretty much the reason i myself am not and never been a part of NIN

and as Mark Wahlberg said; maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself

See, this is why Abraham Lincoln never let Mary Todd use his computer. Because she probably would have sent out emails like this to everyone in his contacts list. Because she was crazy. Just like "soulfly samurai," the nutbar whose inner voices instructed him/her/it (for misogyny's sake, I'll assume it's a female) to type up this particular insane, tragically punctuated diatribe and click the "send" button. By the way, Soulfly sucks. JSYK.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think this person doesn't like Robin Finck. But, you know, she does bring up some very valid points, none of which could just as easily be applied to Aaron North instead. I guess the fact that Robin "can play guitar" doesn't really factor into soulfly samurai's decision whether or not to like a NIN guitarist and whether or not to needlessly annoy me about it. Cool!

Why is Danny Lohner not back? I don't know, maybe because he's a pothead who prefers producing shitty emocore bands and hanging out with members of Limp Bizkit (and probably Soulfly as well)? Or maybe it had something to do with his resentment that he had to fall back on Nine Inch Nails after being rejected by Metallica. I mean, who wouldn't be bitter about that? But, again, soulfly samurai's number one criterion for judging a NIN bandmember's worth is how smokin' hot he is. You know, maybe Danny was quite the studmuffin back in 1994, but have you seen him lately? I saved you the trouble of Google Imaging him and did it myself, and I found the picture you see here on your left (I cropped out the prostitute he was hanging out with). Looks like the munchies have really taken their toll. Say what you will about Trent these days (Lord knows I do), but at least he doesn't look like he's made out of Play-Doh.

Let's see, Jeordie only gets women because he's in a rock band, Aaron prefers the company of men, Alessandro is Italian, and Josh Freese is, for all intents and purposes, a robot. Thanks for reciting back to me what I've been saying for years now. You're helping! And thanks for the quote at the end as well. It's comforting to know that whenever I'm in need of some inspirational words of wisdom, I need look no further than Mark Walhberg. In your face, Maya Angelou.

ok, so since i love your crappy flash cartoons, and there have been dozens of former and present nin members featured in your cartoons. i think in your meatglossary, you should stick a little thumbnail of your animated version of the glossary entry. cause face it, how many guys can you have run around with a fucking "A" on their shirt? they all look like goth alvins! now that finck is back, you could put his old cartoon self and new cartoon self next to his entry in the MG. cause he looks fucking amish!

love, michelle

Thanks, Michelle! You've got a pretty good idea there. I mean, I'll probably never get around to actually doing it, but it's still a good idea. And seriously, what's with Trent's obsession with hiring guys whose names start with A? Alessandro, Atticus, Alan, Aaron, Aob... the list goes on. It's too bad you lose all your "cool points" with the last sentence, Michelle, because Robin Finck has no "old cartoon self" on the Meathead Perspective, as he's never appeared in my Flash cartoons prior to the most recent one. If you were a real fan, you would have already known that. Therefore, I have no interest in ever hearing from you again, and have permanently blocked your email address.

I bet you've got a huge shit-eating grin on your face buddy.I can't believe you have so many people willing to go along with thisyou nine inch nails fans are something elsenazi-like precision and executionha ha... what a laugh... an awful remix shooting to the top spot to show that the whole contest is a farce... wow that sure makes me think you're a smart cookie and that you've really proved radiohead to be a bunch of money-grubbing dicksyou're quite the do-gooderi commend your effortshowever you don't realize that the truth behind what you are doing is that you are trying to gain exposure by riding on the backs of radiohead just like everyone elseradiohead created a name for themselves by creating passionate, inventive, artful music that resonates with people around the sit around writing cynical bullshit, considering yourself a mini-celeb becausee you have a fucking nine inch nails humor website, give me a fucking breakyou've got nothing to offerbut boy you must be excited now because you're in the top ten and it's such a laughdeep down you are excited about all this exposure... you are excited about the prospect of the press having to write about you when this is all over... you are excited about having your time in the limelightyou subconsciously want to ride on the back of what Radiohead has actually achieved through real effort, to propel yourself further into this sphere of pseudo-celebrity status so that you can further promote cynicism and ugliness in the name of shunning any attempt to be sincerewhat you are doing is not funnyit is sadyou areasadpieceof shityou couldn't touch what radiohead has accomplished, not in your wildest fucking dreamsyou fucking sad cunt

i don't know if you read my other message already, but please don't.

i went way overboard with it. i was offended by this whole joke meathead contest thing making it's way to the top, but I didn't need to be such a harsh little bitch....

dude, please don't read what I wrote. just delete both of these.

yo... really, don't read that message. I am an asshole. sorry if you read it...


Dear Meathead,

your backround (with the stripes and all) sparkles and it irritates me. And it also gives me headache. Isn't just plain gray meatheady enough? I can't fully enjoy your amazing articles with the stripes (and/or my eyes) going crazy. Why do you must tortume me like this?

- Your headachy friend-

P.S. Oh, Trent Reznor totally sucks. Totally. Thom Yorke on the other hand. Well, he's just brilliant.

Man, what the fuck. Nobody else has complained about my stripes. Then you had to come along and be a jerk. At first the stripes were horizontal, but I soon found that horizontal stripes are less aerodynamic and they make my website look fat. I experimented briefly with diagonal stripes, but that was a fucking disaster. Finally it hit me: VERTICAL stripes! I'm a genius. Sorry if my genius offends you, but I'm probably going to keep the stripes for now. However, since I'm a hell of a guy, I've made a special new background for todays' update, just for you, whatever your name is! I hope you're enjoying it. I hope you're all enjoying it. A lot. Hell, if you're enjoying it enough, maybe I'll just keep this one!

This concludes today's edition of Meathead's Big Fat Hairy Sack of Mail. If you don't want to see future editions of Meathead's Big Fat Hairy Sack of Mail, then stop bugging me and let me read my Nigerian scam letters in peace.


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