March 29, 2008
They Are Coming!

BIG UPDATE HOLY SHIT Oh great! Guess what band just announced a buttload of tour dates! (Hint: I write about them all the time on this website, and it's not Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.) Give up? Figures you would, loser. I'm talking about everyone's parents' least favorite band, Nine Inch Nails. They were kind of big back in the 90's, but you probably weren't born yet. And those of you who live in America Jr. (Canada) should be pretty excited, since Trent's manager is finally making him come visit you guys too! Now maybe you'll shut up for a little while!

July 25 Pemberton BC Pemberton Festival
July 26 Seattle WA Key Arena at Seattle Center
July 28 Edmonton ALB Rexall Place
July 29 Calgary ALB Pengrowth Saddledome (WTF)
July 31 Winnipeg MAN MTS Centre
August 2 Minneapolis MN Target Center
August 5 Toronto ONT Dan Aykroyd Memorial Centre
August 7 Uncasville CT Mohegan Sun Arena
August 8 Worcester MA DCU Center
August 12 Knoxville TN Knoxville Civic Coliseum
August 13 Duluth GA Cool Ranch Doritos Arena
August 15 Oklahoma City OK Ford Center
August 16 Houston TX Vagisil Center
August 18 Dallas TX American Airlines Center
August 20 Saint Louis MO Scottrade Center
August 22 Cleveland OH Quicken Loans Arena
August 23 Auburn Hills MI Check Into Cash Payday Loan Center
August 27 East Rutherford NJ Windex Arena
August 29 Philadelphia PA Wachovia Center
August 31 Lexington KY Rupp Arena
September 1 Tampa FL Just Kidding, Florida Sucks
September 2 Morrison CO Red Rocks Amphitheater
September 3 Salt Lake City UT Joseph Smith Hosanna Tabernacle Center
September 5 Oakland CA Smith & Wesson Arena (formerly Oakland Arena)
September 6 Inglewood CA The Forum

So now that it's painfully obvious that Trent Reznor's Flying Circus will most likely be coming to a populated area somewhere in the general vicinity of you this year (unless you live outside of North America, ha ha, fuck you foreigners), we should probably take a minute to discuss the good and bad aspects of this. It's either that or talk about this weird bumpy rash I've had on my inner thigh for the past week. Your choice. All right, that's what I thought.

The Good News

It's now safe to bring your girlfriend (assuming you actually have one) to see Nine Inch Nails, since Jeordie won't be there.

It's now safe to bring your boyfriend (assuming you actually have one) to see Nine Inch Nails, since Aaron won't be there.

Trent will finally set foot in Uncasville, CT, proving that the prophecies are true.

James Woolley will probably still be hanging around somewhere, in case you give a shit about meeting him.

The Bad News

They're probably going to play the same shit they played the last time you saw them, except for maybe one or two Year Zero songs and, if they know what's best for them, a cover of "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead.

Trent still has that weird haircut.

The absence of Jeordie will make it a lot harder for you skanky sluts out there to score backstage passes. But never give up!

Lord only knows what losers are going to be taking over for Aaron and Jeordie.

On that note, there's probably been a lot of speculation on internet bulletin boards and in men's bathhouses as to who will be involved in the new 2008 lineup. Much to the dismay of Charlie Clouser fans, it certainly looks like Alessandro will still be around for a while, since he actually seems to be into maintaining his personal hygiene. And since Trent made millions of dollars with that Ghosts bullshit, he can probably afford to hire Josh Freese for at least a few more days. Don't worry, after a few months of therapy, I've come to terms with the fact that Jeff Ward isn't coming back. But the big question on everyone's mind is "WHO IN THE MOTHERFUCK IS GOING TO FUCKING PLAY THE GODDAMNED GUITARS?!?!" Will you please calm down? Put that away.

It's important to keep in mind that Trent has always made a point to hire only the most talented, competent musicians in the business to tour with him. Well, except for that one time. Oh, and that other time. And shit, who can forget that time with that guy. Jesus, what the hell was that all about? But, for the most part, Trent generally knows what he's doing when he assembles his live band, so let's all have faith that this time will be no different. Besides, what's wrong with having some fresh, brand new faces in Nine Inch Nails? You know what I mean? Sometimes you get tired of the same recurring characters over and over and over again. I know I'm excited! And I sure looking forward to half-assedly drawing these new jerks in future half-assed Flash cartoons that I'll inevitably regret ever making!

Obviously there's not a whole lot more to go on at this point. The guy who keeps updating pretending to be Trent Reznor insists that there will be more news coming "soon" (apparently he's back now from his honeymoon with Saul Williams). When this happens, the Meathead Perspective, your cool over-21 friend who buys you shitty beer, will be here to hook you up with some equally shitty insights and Photoshops.

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