August 30, 2006
Even though Trent has been cryogenically frozen and will remain so for the next several decades, kinda like in that movie Demolition Man except without Rob Schneider, people are still doing searches for hot new NIN information on the internet. Many of these searches lead people to the NIN Hotline, for some bizarre reason or another. When this happens, their search phrases get logged on our super-top-secret database for us to point and giggle at. Most of these are nothing out of the ordinary, like "nine inch nails," "why is meathead so hot," and "aaron north man train." But occasionally people put in some pretty weird shit. I'm going to take a second to share some of these with you now, and you're going to like it. All of these are real; none have been made up.
This month there have been 4,661 unique search phrases that have led people to the Hotline (both for NIN and that other band). Out of these, 30 were from people interested in seeing Trent Reznor without any clothes on, in all his hairy, veiny, wrinkly glory.
naked trent reznor (5)
naked picture of trent reznor (2)
trent reznor sex (9)
sex with trent reznor (3)
trent reznor penis (2)
Ew. I assume most of these are from girls who are young enough to be Trent's granddaughter (i.e. their mid-20's), and probably one or two Hotline staff members. Unfortunately for them, we took down the "Naked Trent Reznor Pics" section of the Hotline a couple years ago, after we took a vote and determined that it was a little too gay, even after ditching the "It's Raining Men" midi and the rainbow-colored text. Thankfully, three people out there had a better idea:
That's the ticket. A lot more people were desperate to learn more about Trent's girlfriend. Specifically, what she has that they don't, and what they have to do to get Trent to open his eyes and realize that they're so much better than her. Or maybe they want him to be their girlfriend, I don't know.
trent reznor s girlfriend (7)
trent reznor s girlfriends (3)
trent reznor girlfriend keyboard (3)
trent reznor relationship (3)
trent reznor relationships (2)
trent reznor private life (3)
trent reznor s love life (2)
is trent reznor dating carre callaway (2)
trent reznor gay (2)
Of course, where would we be without the obligatory stalkers? To be fair, some of these may be about Trent's appearance on the TV show "House." Oh wait, that was just a dream I had the other night, nevermind. Maybe someday.
trent reznor house (3)
pictures of trent reznor s california house (3)
Apparently, somebody out there actually still cares about the following people:
danny lohner (25)
chris vrenna (9)
charlie clouser (3)
enda mccallion (6)
alex carapetis (5)
james woolley (2)
robin finck (49)
robin finck getting paid (2)
maynard james keenan groupies (2)
Yeah, that's right. Suck it, aforementioned people. Oh, and I guess these searches were also referring to me:
It doesn't surprise me that this search led directly to the NIN Hotline:
A couple people seem to think it's still 1994:
I guess some have been reminiscing about the time they got their ass kicked in front of their girlfriend:
sweeney nine inch nails (2)
I promise not to rest until I find whoever did this search and punch them repeatedly in the crotch:
GOD I WISH:
Side note: I did almost meet Jeordie at last year's Don Knotts Lookalikes Association convention, but I was too scared to approach him. Man, I'm still kicking myself for that!
Then there are the random oddball searches. I'm not sure who these people are, or what their agenda is, but they ended up here just the same. I can only hope that they found what they were looking for.
leitmotif in star wars song (2)
lying on his back (2)
soundtrack miami (2)
bridal party (2)
mizmuz shoes (3)
meathead spot real reznor click x (2)
It's pretty safe at this point to say that Google has led quite a few "interesting" people to the Hotline. The kind of "interesting" people that ultimately end up on the CBS Evening News in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. Thankfully, much to my relief, none of the following have appeared in the list of searches (this month, anyway):
twiggy cold sore sexy (0)
how to seduce jeordie white (0)
how to seduce zombie jeff ward (0)
where is everybody lyrics (0)
maynard scat (0)
new filter album (0)
Last, as well as least, the unusually poor quality of today's update can be summed up by this poignant question:
Well, it's about time for my daily cry, so that's all for today. I was going to make up some cool-looking pie charts and shit to go along with this, but I didn't. Sorry. Anyway, I hope you all manage to get through the holiday weekend without suffering third-degree burns! Bye.