the meathead perspective

October 26, 2022

Not the Actual Review (just kidding, it is)

Hi everybody (with the exception of anyone who unironically thinks "Running" is a good song – please leave), it's your buddy Meathead, back with another one of those block rockin' Meathead Perspectives. As you’re aware by now since I won't shut the hell up about it, I’ve been frozen in carbonite just like that guy in Star Trek, from 2009 all the way up until a couple weeks ago. As a result, I’ve tragically missed out on literally everything Atticus Ross and his platonic life partner Trent Reznor have done during this time. They put out several albums, went on tour(s), and they even found the time to do the music for a movie by that guy who directed Fight Club. That’s so wild! Congrats!

In our prior rendezvous, I dissected the first official Nine Inch Nails release that came out during my ~~vacation~~ unexcused period of absence, 2013’s Hesitation Marks. (For those of you who opted to do literally anything but read all that, I'll summarize: Some of it was actually kind of okay! A few portions were not quite as awful as many people said!) But before I get started with this week’s bullshit, I want to take a minute to clear the air about a few things.

First I’d like to offer my sincerest apologies to the artist Russell Mills for calling the Hesitation Marks cover, which apparently he created, “a bargain bin Russell Mills knockoff.” Had I but known it was a genuine Mills work, I would have called it “a tired artistic retread of better art for a better album from a better decade” instead. Boy, is my face red! Despite my longstanding reputation as an established writer who adheres to only the highest of journalistic standards, I failed to do the most basic due diligence here, and for that I am truly sorry.

Next, I’d like to apologize to world-renowned coffee drinker and filmmaker David Lynch, whose work and caffeine tolerance I greatly admire and respect, for referring in this sentence to his music video for “Came Back Haunted” as “a migraine-inducing visual clusterfuck that all the Dramamine in the world couldn’t make watchable” and suggesting that it’s “time for Mr. Lynch to switch to decaf,”and then insinuating that I’m even a little jealous of people with epilepsy for being medically exempted from having to endure this pretentious claptrap. I shouldn’t have said that just now and I’m sorry. David Lynch has a very bold and uncompromising artistic vision that doesn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks – yes, even including the founder of universally-beloved Nine Inch Nails humor website The Meathead Perspective. Besides, I’m sure all parties involved in the making of this crime against taste must have assumed I was dead or captured by ISIS or whatever by that point, so they figured they could just put out whatever crap they wanted without anyone there to hold them to account. It may not be commendable, but it is at least understandable.

Finally, I want to apologize for not ripping “Everything” the new asshole that it, by all metrics, should logically deserve. But while it’s undeniable that songs like “Running” and “Deep” are freaks that belong chained to a radiator in a dark basement for all eternity, subsiding on stale croutons and warm RC Cola, I’m actually rooting for “Everything” to succeed in life in spite of its obvious cognitive challenges and physical abnormalities. It just wants to be loved. Is that so fucking wrong? Perhaps the me of 2013 (in an alternate universe where I gave a shit) would have been harder on the poor little guy, but I guess we’ll never know.

That’s it, just needed to get those minor grievances cleared up. The rest of the review was perfect, A+, wouldn’t change a thing.

Well, actually there is one more thing I want to express deep remorse over: I’m sorry about the comically antiquated Web 1.0-esque appearance of this page. Not only do I know about as much about web design as Dr. Oz knows about the American working class, but even if I did possess such nerdy knowledge, the amount of time and effort required in order to drag The Meathead Perspective into the modern age of computing vastly exceeds the amount that I actually care. So that’s why it looks as though the code was typed by hand in Notepad around the same time 50 Cent was conceptualizing “In da Club," because it basically was.

The appalling decision to use the Courier font was undoubtedly inspired by that “broken typewriter” vibe that was so en vogue on NIN propaganda at the time, such as the cover of the 2002 live album And All That Could Have Been (shown here), and their entire official website layout circa 2004 during the lead up to With Teeth (not shown here). Like, we get it, you’re one of those Silverlake hipsters who brings his replica 1930s Underwood Model E to Intelligentsia Coffee to "work on your novel" and impress girls with glasses. But that was ages ago, and Trent and the gang obviously have long since moved on from this played-out aesthetic, which only makes my unfortunate font choice seem even more bizarre and troubling. Sorry again.

This brings us to the year of our Lord 2016, right around the time of the U.S. Presidential election (don’t tell me what happened, I’m still getting caught up here), Nine Inch Nails put out their second release since I vanished into the ether, an “extended play” (a fancy way of saying “less music”) called Not the Actual Events. As my old, gross fingers type this paragraph, neither they nor any other part of me have been exposed to the content of this record, but judging by this startlingly original and thought-provoking cover art, I do have some lofty expectations. Although, I am forced to wonder, with all the time and creative energy that was undoubtedly poured into making this cover, how much time must there have been left to actually record the music? There must have been countless sleepless nights between 2013 and 2016, burning the candle at both ends for months at a time in order to bring forth this creative tour de force into existence.

As always, I am beside myself with anticipation as I once again prepare to savor some brand new, never-before-heard Nine Inch Nails material, like opening up a rare vintage 1992 Crystal Pepsi. Let me just double check here to make sure it’s not another “Deluxe” version, don't want to make that mistake again – okay, great! This should be relatively quick and painless. So let’s get right down to it already. I have other shit to do.

Side note: It seems I may have ever-so-slightly overestimated the overlap between the Nine Inch Nails and Bob Newhart fanbases in my previous review of Hesitation Marks. Therefore, in an effort to placate the uncultured lummox constituency within the Perspective's readership, the ratings in this review will consist solely of emojis. Thank you for your patience during this difficult time.

Branches/Bones
Real talk: I was absolutely expecting another “Eater of Dreams”-style throwaway track, like an ASMR recording of Atticus vaping for two minutes (which would still have been leaps and bounds more engaging than “Eater of Dreams”). Imagine my surprise when I discovered this to be an actual song, with a beat, a melody, and even some words! Musically, it's very familiar – it feels like I’ve been here befoooorrre-ah, back in nineteen ninety-fouuuurrr-ah, when I listened to Nine Inch Nails mooorrre-ah.

They’ve really outdone themselves this time! Obviously, we all know Hesitation Marks wasn’t exactly NIN’s Sgt. Pepper’s, but even still, this already feels like some pretty serious pushback. I mean, just because HM contains at least 4 tracks that fall into the bottom 5% of NIN songs in terms of objective musical quality, overall the album wasn’t that bad. They didn’t have to burn down the whole studio and start over again in Atticus’ parents’ garage (pronounced “GARE-age”) just because of one record’s overall mediocrity. But you know what, I’m glad they did. Fuck that “Running” bullshit.

Rating: 👂🎹💥🕷🕷🕷🩻🎸👌

Dear World Comma
Aaaaand it’s “Running” again. “Yes, everyone seems to be asleep,” says a voice that clearly does not belong to Trent or Atticus and therefore is not authorized to be on a Nine Inch Nails record (I have notified the proper authorities). Well, if they’re not asleep already, they definitely will be by the time this song is over. Okay, so I guess it’s not really that bad. This is like “Running”’s slightly less annoying cousin, who always smells like fennel for some reason and you’re only really friends with because their house has a pool. Oh, well at least it’s pretty short, since it just ended. Wait, no, nevermind, it’s still going. Damn it. But it’s okay, they can’t all be great songs, even when there are only five of them. It’s just statistically impossible. So I’m not mad, provided the rest of this little record is sick as hell. That’s possible, right? You know, in the same sense that it’s possible to get hit by a meteorite.

Important Update: After revisiting “Dear World Comma” a few times and chewing on it some, then discreetly spitting it out into a napkin and tucking it neatly under the edge of my plate, I would like to add that while it is still a distant fifth place on this E.P., it doesn’t quite deserve the red-headed stepchild status of “Running.” I’ll even tack on a cute cat emoji at the end of the rating, just to be nice. I hereby pledge not to use this song as a point of reference when talking about Trent’s shittier songs. That’s the Meathead Promise™.

Rating: 🏃‍♂️🏃🏃‍♀️😴💤🕰♾💀🪦🐈

She's Gone Away
Now that the contractually-obligated stipulation of a minimum of one song Meathead just has to hate has been met, I have to say I’m feeling these reverby, Phil Collins-esque drums (real drums, even!) and that fat, greasy bass groove. (Warning: nerd alert) Way back in those halcyon broken-typewriter days of 2003-04, when the upcoming With Teeth was still using the working title Bleedthrough (and your parents probably hadn’t even met yet), this was sort of what I was imagining the new album’s sound to be like. Obviously it, uh, wasn’t that. But now that they’re apparently done fucking around for like 20 years, it’s nice to see NIN back in the ass-kicking business, even if it is only for six minutes or so. It pains me greatly to say this, but this song isn’t awful. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say “She’s Gone Away” is g…… g…… Jesus this is hard to say… it’s goo…… ugh, come on, Meathead, you can do it… it’s g…. “good.”

Rating: 🥁🥁🎸👊💥💥💥🔊🛃

The Idea of You
Hang on, everyone, Spotify is glitching and playing "Jesus Built My Hotrod" now for some reason. Actually no, my mistake, this must still be Nine Inch Nails, since that is obviously Ol’ Gloomy rudely talking over the music and sounding like an old creep who keeps calling me at 4 a.m. to whisper how he’s rubbing peanut butter all over himself and do I like the idea of that (Editor’s note: Meathead does not like the idea of that).

But in spite of all that, this track – to use the parlance of our times – “slaps,” enough even to forget that the people playing it will very soon be featured on the cover of AARP Magazine, if they haven’t already. Beavis and Butt-head would have approved, had they not tragically lost their lives in Iraq in 2004. Hell, this could easily have been released on Broken, back before Trent got all Billy Joel on us.

I don’t even know what that means but I’m leaving it there, fuck it.

Rating: 🎸🎸🎸🤘🤘🤘☎️ 🎵🚂🎤🏂🍕

Burning Bright (Talking Trash)
Atticus and his roommate continue to bring the fuckin’ noise with this closer. Thick, sludgy psychedelic space rock with walls of fuzzy guitar, accompanied by Trent basically flexing and yelling “come at me, bro” at an elderly Korean gentleman who accidentally bumped him with a shopping cart in the dog food aisle at Gelson’s. At least that’s the vibe I’m picking up; your mileage may vary. And yet, the combination strangely works. If I were still rightfully using the Larry, Darryl and Darryl formula, as I did when I thought my readers actually cared about fucking quality television, this would have been yet another Darryl-free score - in fact, there is only one track on Not the Actual Events that would have received even as much as a single solitary Darryl. You know which one.

She's Gone Away (Todd Rundgren remix)
Ha ha, just fucking with you. Christ, could you imagine?

OVERALL E.P. SCORE: 💩

Okay, so you might be wondering exactly how I calculated that final score. Please allow me to explain. Honestly, I’ve gotta say I’m pretty disappointed here. I was of the understanding that the NIN guys and I had an unspoken agreement, in which I would go fuck off for a decade and a half, they would put out a bunch of weird, dorky-ass music, and then I would come back in late 2022 and bitch about how much it all sucks. I mean, it’s pretty straightforward quid pro quo. You scratch my back, I say Johnny Cash would have done it better. And so far, I think I’ve held up my end of the bargain. But then they go and pull this shit, and completely renege on our deal. How am I supposed to do my fucking job when the music is actually half-decent? Not cool. I’m not supposed to actually like it, jerks! I’ll let it slide this time, but if this trend continues, I’ll have no choice but to take legal action.

In the meantime, it is my great obligation to present to Nine Inch Nails this long overdue acknowledgement that they still “got it”:

Not the Actual Events marks the first official Nine Inch Nails release since 2002’s Still to only have one shitty track (although Still at least had the decency to put it right at the beginning, so you can just start at Track 2 and then sit back and relax). It’s hard to say how I’ll feel in a week, but at the moment, I don’t think it would be inappropriate to call this, at worst, T-Rizzle’s second-best work released since the establishment of this humble website back in 1999. If this standard of quality had been consistently met over the past 23 years, I would have had literally nothing to talk about on here, other than maybe Trent’s weird haircuts. Thank goodness for the existence of gems like “Deep” and “No, You Don’t” (ooo, bet you weren’t expecting that one) to provide me with reams of material over the years.

But as all things in life must pass, this “fuck yeah, the old, good NIN is back” feeling will almost certainly vanish like the proverbial fart in the wind as soon as I begin to uncover what horrors lie in wait for me on 2017’s Add Violence, the belated review of which will grace this website on or about November 16. Wait, is this seriously the real cover?