September 15, 2039
Fifty Years of NIN

Yes, folks, believe it or not, today marks the fiftieth anniversary of Nine Inch Nails' first release, Down In It, on September 15, 1989. And, only a month ago, The Meathead Perspective celebrated 40 years of making Trent Reznor wish he'd picked a different career. Things are a lot different now than they were back in 1989, or 1999 for that matter. For example, back then I still had control of my bodily functions. But regardless, Trent Reznor has managed to stick around and continue cranking out the tunes, and we owe him an enormous debt of gratitude.

As some of you might remember, Trent was considering quitting the "Nine Inch Nails" thing for a brief period in 2001. I never really understood that, myself, especially considering that the Rolling Stones are still playing sold-out shows even today. Thankfully, my friends in the "construction" business were able to "persuade" Trent to keep on going with NIN. It's a shame about Leo, though. We'll miss him.

Anyway, I think I can speak for everyone when I say that it's been an interesting half-century, to say the least. Today I'd like to take a look back at the last five decades of Nine Inch Nails: the highs and lows, the good and the bad, the moments to be proud of, and the moments that might be better off forgotten.

Friday, September 15, 1989 - Nine Inch Nails, fronted by Trent Reznor (of Option 30 fame) releases the bad-ass Down In It single, and 24-year-old whelp Reznor becomes one of the first successful white rappers. Richard Patrick begins to complain.

Friday, October 20, 1989 - The first real Nine Inch Nails album, Pretty Hate Machine, arrives in stores. Some fans of Option 30 are somewhat put off by Trent's new "non-geeky" sound, but most welcome the album. Meathead, being only 10 years old, is a little too young to be listening to songs containing the word "fuck", and therefore does not purchase the album until several years later.

Tuesday, September 22, 1992 - The world is introduced to the Broken EP, and Trent Reznor grows sideburns and becomes the official Poster Boy for Angst?. MTV refuses to play the video for the song "Pinion", citing a rule against showing the human form in bondage... despite the fact that that whore Madonna shows that crap in practically every one of her videos.
There are several theories as to what Trent was so vexed about during the recording of Broken. Some people seem to think it's because of something to do with a record company and some guy named Steve, but not me. Not to sound too self-important, but I believe that Trent was simply upset that there was no Meathead Perspective yet. So therefore, I think you should be thanking me for this record. Punks.
Tuesday, March 8, 1994 - Trent N' Pals bring us The Downward Spiral, featuring 14 tracks of danceable hate-pop... or something. It debuts at number 2 on the Billboard charts, and eventually goes on to sell 14 million copies, nearly as many as the Backstreet Boys' latest album, Shape Of My Colostomy Bag, sold during its first hour of sales. Nine Inch Nails subsequently launches a massive tour in support of the new album, and introduces his buddy Marilyn Manson. MTV finally lets NIN show a little bit of bondage in the video for the super-smash-mega-hit song "Closer," although 2/3 of the rest of the video was censored because Trent Reznor is a dirty, dirty man. A plethora of crappy new NIN websites spring up onto the Internet and beat the Downward Spiral font completely into the ground.
Tuesday, February 18, 1997 - Trent Reznor, a.k.a. Zorro, emerges from the shadows with a new song, "The Perfect Drug" (even though 80% of his fans have already downloaded the song on the Internet), and pouts on the covers of some magazines. An interview with SPIN Magazine hints at the fact that Nine Inch Nails' new album is nowhere even remotely near being finished, causing mass riots and looting in many major cities.

Monday, August 18, 1997 - Mark Nicholas Onofrio, a.k.a. "Who?", files a lawsuit against Trent Reznor, claiming that he (Onofrio) was the genius behind The Downward Spiral, and that Reznor, having nothing better to do, ripped him off. The judge promptly laughed the case out of court. Today Onofrio is a greeter at Wal-Mart (and a virgin).

Thursday, September 9, 1999 - Nine Inch Nails perform at the Video Music Awards on MTV, and confuse the hell out of teenyboppers everywhere. During the performance, Trent attempts to display emotion, which is an MTV no-no. Once offstage, he is immediately evicted from the premises by security.

Wednesday, August 4, 1999 - The Meathead Perspective, commonly known as "the fifth horseman of the Apocalypse," appears mysteriously on the Internet.

Tuesday, September 21, 1999 - The long-awaited new album The Fragile lands on the shelves, debuts at #1 on the charts, and is 5,422 times better than Title of Record by Filter. However, The Fragile falls off of the charts five minutes later, proving once again that there is no God. The Nails proceed to pump up the jam, selling out arenas worldwide during the Fragility tour.
Sunday, July 1, 2000 - Trent Reznor manages to piss off the entire population of England when he pulls out of the "Lost Weekend" festival, due to the fact that then-drummer Jerome Dillon was having uncontrolled bowel movements. The remaining bands at the festival are forced to play to an audience of disgruntled teenagers in fishnets who would rather be somewhere else.

Tuesday, November 21, 2000 - NIN releases Things Falling Apart, an album chock-full of remixes of Fragile tunes, which results in no one ever wanting to hear the word "starfucker" ever, ever again. Trent also joins Marilyn Manson and the Foo Fighters in the "I Covered Gary Numan" club. They meet every other Thursday at around 7:30 over at the Elks Club lodge.
Thursday, February 15, 2001 - Fans gather at Brixton Academy in London for the long-anticipated make-up show for those who got dissed at the Lost Weekend festival. Unfortunately, NIN pulls out at the last minute because Danny Lohner was "feeling not so fresh" that day. Trent Reznor and his associates are forbidden to ever set foot in the United Kingdom again.

Wednesday, October 17, 2001 - Trent Reznor announces that the next NIN record will, in fact, be entitled Impossible Pain. He reveals that the album is nearly complete, and will be in stores within the first quarter of 2002. The fans are giddy with glee (and marijuana).

Tuesday, September 7, 2004 - Impossible Pain, a quintuple-CD clocking in at a rather hefty 5? hours, arrives in stores. Trent Reznor once again breaks new musical ground and wows the pants off the critics. Impossible Pain features notable guest appearances by Andy Griffith, 2Pac, Aphex Twin and Steven Wright. Robin Finck conveniently quits Guns 'N Roses and rejoins Nine Inch Nails (again) just in time for the Impossibility tour. Axl Rose threatens to break both of Robin's legs if he ever sees him again.

Monday, September 13, 2004 - Nine Inch Nails perform at the Canadian Country Music Awards for the first time. Surprisingly, they are not booed off the stage, and Trent Reznor records a track with the Dixie Chicks shortly after. The song is never released, though, and Trent decides to never drink again.
Sunday, January 1, 2006 - Limp Bizkit's remaining 400 fans are stunned when frontman Fred Durst is assassinated during a New Year's performance at the 9:30 Club in Washington, D.C., officially ending a six-year feud between Durst and Trent Reznor. Reznor was unavailable for comment, but spokesperson Anthony Robbins stated in a press release that Reznor "is not happy about Durst's untimely demise, and is absolutely not planning to throw a bitchin' party at his house next weekend to celebrate." MTV replays the assassination footage for several months afterwards, as part of its ongoing quest to never, ever play music videos.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007 - Nine Inch Nails release the Fragility DVD, which features live footage from the Fragility v2.0 tour in 2000. Unfortunately this coincides with the release of the new Britney Spears album (who now records albums on a monthly basis), and the DVD only sells eight copies.

Monday, May 3, 2010 - Abounding rumors of a new NIN record are instantly crushed when Trent Reznor admits to Rolling Stone that he "accidentally forgot to make a new album," but that he will "get right on that" as soon as he beats Quake 6.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010 - Trent Reznor arrives home to see that his house has been egged and toilet papered.

Sunday, January 20, 2013 - In his first act as President of the United States, Richard Patrick proposes a law banning the mention of Trent Reznor's name in public. In the quickest impeachment trial in United States history, President Patrick is removed from office, upon which he moves to Canada and is never heard from again.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017 - Jerome Dillon, now 47 years old, leaves his post as NIN's drummer, claiming that he wants to spend more time with his family. Trent calls Jerome a "whiny little sissy-boy" and changes the locks on the studio doors. Auditions for a replacement drummer begin immediately, and within a matter of days, Trent enlists Alan Thicke (from the hit TV sitcom Growing Pains) as the newest member of Nine Inch Nails. Some critics have since hailed Thicke as being "the best thing to ever happen to NIN."

Tuesday, April 17, 2018 - After keeping his fans waiting for 14 years, Trent Reznor finally puts out his new solo accoustic album, "Isolated, I," which comes with a little book of poetry and pretty pictures of flowers. He begins to tour the U.S. with Jewel as the opening act, but then has a change of heart, calls up his old bandmates, and plays all the old rockin' tunes from previous albums. Jewel continues to open each show, however, until the next-to-last show, where she receives a massive head wound from an airborne bottle of Rolling Rock. Jewel never performs again, which is just as well.

Tuesday, March 16, 2021 - NIN's seventh studio album, Bruised arrives in stores. Bruised turns out to be the hardest-rocking Nine Inch Nails album to date, making Broken sound like the Mulan soundtrack. It sells four million copies in its first week, and plans for a huge worldwide tour are announced a few weeks later. Unfortunately, Trent fractures his hip during the first week of the tour, and spends the rest of the tour sitting in a recliner, which puts a bit of a damper on their overall live performance. Regardless, the critics are still impressed at how Trent can still scream so well at the age of 56. That is, of course, until his vocal cords go out a couple of weeks later.
Tuesday, August 10, 2027 - After being reminded by Maynard James Keenan, Trent Reznor releases the Tapeworm album, which had been finished since 2002, but was sitting in Trent's closet underneath some empty pizza boxes and porno magazines. Tapeworm becomes a huge hit on the radio, put into heavy rotation on oldies stations across the country. To the dismay of fans, Trent announces that there will be no touring for Tapeworm, due to his heart condition, and Maynard's osteoporosis.

Tuesday, January 20, 2032 - Nine Inch Nails, which now consists of Trent Reznor, Alan Thicke and Robin Finck (since Axl is no longer with us), release The Senile, which was recorded on the weekends in the rec room at Colton Villa Retirement Village, in spite of Trent's doctor's orders. Remarkably, the album sells twenty million copies in the first week, and solidifies Trent Reznor's reputation as the most vital musician of the 21st century. The Senility tour soon follows, but is limited to the nursing homes in neighboring counties. The shows sell out, regardless, and the fans are delighted to hear that a Senility DVD is in the works. In an interview with Hit Parader magazine, Trent declares himself the King of Poland.

And that about brings us up to speed on Nine Inch Nails. I hope you enjoyed this look back into the history of everyone's favorite band, and I recommend you share it with your children and grandchildren, so that they can pass it on to their grandchildren, and their grandchildren's genetically-enhanced clones.

Anyway, that's all for this week. I need to go rest my eyes and take my Metamucil. See you all again soon!

- Meathead

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