December 1, 1999
It Stinks!

Since The Fragile was released, it's been receiving mostly favorable reviews (and rightly so). But there are a select few critics who have decided to push the mop handles that are stuck up their asses up a little further and slam the new NIN album into the ground. So just to be an idiot, I'll jump on their little bandwagon for a few minutes.

Trent Reznor Is A Talentless Slob
Meathead's anal-retentive, thumbs-down review of The Fragile

Well, I finally got around to listening to The Fragile, the latest "rock epic" from Nine Inch Nails. After enduring over two agonizing hours of listening to Trent Reznor piss moan and groan about God-knows-what, over what sounds like various household appliances malfunctioning, I immediately burned the album and had my CD player sterilized, just to be sure there was no residue left over from the sheer awfulness of this atrocious recording. Perhaps this album is better viewed in a humorous light, in the same vein as "Leonard Nimoy Sings". Nobody could seriously make music this bad, right? Unfortunately, though, I think he is serious.
Oh boy, it's bad right from start to finish. Reznor even shamelessly steals from The Addams Family's theme song (sans finger snaps) right at the beginning of the first track! Then the typical drums kick in, and Trent piles on the whining. Come on, we waited five years for this? He needs to realize that people don't want to hear that (regardless of the fact that it debuted at #1 on the Billboard charts). Nobody wants to hear about Trent's boring personal life anymore. There are plenty of other things to be upset about these days, like rising gas prices, Y2K and Pokemon. I mean come on, Trent, cheer up! Sing about stuff that people care about, like nookie!
I couldn't help but wonder what type of person could possibly enjoy listening to this pathetic pain parade. Obviously someone with no taste in music whatsoever, and probably someone who doesn't even own a single album by Billy Joel or Sting, who happen to be two of the most vital musicians in music today regardless of what these new trendy music magazines might suggest.
These poor kids really think Trent Reznor is sincerely hurting, when in fact Trent Reznor is a big rich rock star. What does he have to be upset about? "Oh, no, this champagne is a bad year! Darn, I have to replace a headlight on my new Porsche!" Sorry, you don't fool me, Trent! Go out to Starbucks and get a frappucino or something, and stop complaining. You're supposed to be writing happy songs now.
I can't even believe Trent is taking this thing on tour. If I were him, I'd turn my little behind right back around, go back into the studio, and record an album that matches up to my standards of excellence.

typical nin fan
If Mr. Reznor had any basic common sense whatsoever, he'd try harder to emulate the great Barry Manilow (left). Unlike Reznor, Manilow writes music with meaning; timeless classics that one can never get tired of listening to. Honestly, do you think it's just coincidence that you'll hear "Mandy" playing at your local supermarket before you ever hear "Somewhat Damaged"? There you go.

To give you an even better example, let's just compare some of Reznor's lyrics to Barry's, shall we?
Take it away
Hey Mambo
Did your mama teach you that
Hey Mambo
Did she know what she begat
Take it away
Do it again
Hey Mambo
Hey Mambo
Hey Mambo
Hey Mambo

Barry Manilow
"Hey Mambo"

I woke up today
To find myself in the other place
With a trail of my footprints
From where I ran away
It seems everything I've heard
Just might be true
And you know me
(well you think you do)
Sometimes, I have everything...
Yet i wish I felt something

Trent Reznor
"Even Deeper"
Now you can clearly see the glaring contrast between Barry's lyrical genius and Trent's clich?-ridden drivel. I hope you can understand why I hate this album so very very much, and absolutely, positively DO NOT listen to it every day by myself when nobody's looking. And I am not ugly!

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