September 15, 1999
What Makes Trent So Spiffy?

Trent Reznor, like most people and plants and what-not, is made up of DNA. DNA, along with the little voices that make us do things, is what makes us who we are. Why, if it weren't for DNA, Theodore Roosevelt would have probably been just a rock or something, and therefore it would have really sucked to be him.

People often ask me, "Why is Trent so gosh-darn cool?". Before I smack them, I inform them that the answer is... you guessed it, DNA.
Now, the next question is... "How can I get to be cool like Trent?" Well, you could start your own band and work your way up to be one of the most influential musicians in the industry. Or, you could take the scientific approach.

First, we'd have to take a strand of Trent's DNA and put it under a really powerful microscope. Then we'd see all the little individual genes, or pieces of DNA, each of which defines a certain characteristic. One piece might make him like Tostitos brand tortilla chips; another might make him have dark hair; another may cause him to have a dog. The trick is to get in there and isolate the "NIN gene" from the DNA strand. The "NIN gene" is what makes Trent kick ass. Without it, he'd probably be like Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.

Next, using a very, very small pair of tweezers, you must pick out the NIN genes from the strand. It's best not to touch them with your bare hands, because you don't want them to get dirty. The next step is to insert the genes into the new host body.
Let's say you're Bob Dole. But you're tired of being just Bob Dole... you want to be Trent Dole. As Trent Dole, you could finally win the approval of the youth of America, and no longer be referred to as "that old fart". Well, with the magic that is DNA, your dream could come true!

After inserting the NIN genes into Bob Dole's decrepit body, the result would be similar to that seen above. The only major drawback is that the process is irreversible, so Trent Dole won't be turning back into Bob Dole anytime soon. It's permanent. Sorry, Bob.

Unfortunately, the technology to create grotesque Bob Dole/Trent Reznor hybrids is not yet available. We can only hope that we'll see this dream become reality during our lifetimes. I'm also waiting for someone to fucking put mayonnaise into squeeze bottles, while we're at it. I mean, what the hell?

However, we must hope that this technology does not ever fall into the wrong hands.
If, for example, Harvey Keitel decided to inject himself with Marilyn Manson genes, we might be faced with this nightmarish creature seen here. The same principle that makes Trent so spiffy also makes Manson... not so spiffy. This is why we must do everything we can to keep Harvey Keitel away from Marilyn Manson genes.
Playing around with the basic building blocks of life can be lots of fun, but it can also have disastrous consequences. Therefore, until we can find a way to make people more spiffy like Trent, I think we should work toward more practical goals, like putting mayonnaise into fucking squeeze bottles, so I don't have to dirty a knife every damn time I want to make a sandwich.


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