September 8, 1999
The Me That You Know Is Made Up Of Wires
The problem with humans is that they get old and die. And unfortunately for those of us who like Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor is one of these humans. Someday, Trent Reznor will die... it's a fact of life. Fortunately, my baboon slaves and I have been working on a project that should benefit NIN fans for years to come. Behold, the ReznorBot TR-999.
1.ReznorBot is designed in the likeness of Trent Reznor. We originally made something that looked similar to the robot from Lost In Space, but that thing was just weird-looking.
2. ReznorBot comes with a large supply of ReznorCoolant?, which allows it to perform for much longer lengths of time then most human performers.
3. ReznorBot has a built-in RFG (Random "Fuck" Generator), which inserts the word "fuck" randomly in songs and interviews.
4. A special skip-protection chip prevents ReznorBot's voice from cracking while singing.
5. A low battery indicator lets you know when it's time to recharge ReznorBot's batteries.
6. ReznorBot's arms and shoulders have been specially made to allow for more precise instrument-throwing. Other NIN bandmembers look out!
7. ReznorBot also has a totally cool LCD display. It can be set to display in English, Spanish, French, and Pig Latin.
8. ReznorBot supports DVD.
9. ReznorBot contains a built-in microwave. I'm not really sure why we put a microwave in there, but boy is that fucker powerful. You could defrost a turkey in 20 seconds with that son of a bitch.
10. Extra fingers allow ReznorBot to play more complex melodies.
11. ReznorBot has a convenient built-in bottle opener.
12. ReznorBot can carry up to a week's supply of hope and vaseline at once. (Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.)
As if all these super-rad features weren't enough, ReznorBot can also be programmed to play deathmatch on Quake and Quake II. We're working on installing a coffee maker, but previous attempts at making coffee through the ReznorBot have resulted in a thick, viscous substance that tastes like ox semen.
While most fans will probably prefer to see the "real" Trent Reznor performing on stage, we hope that the ReznorBot will provide an enjoyable substitute for when Trent is no longer able to entertain us.
Stay tuned for further developments.