August 18, 1999
NIN Withdrawal: A Solution

Is this you? Do you have difficulty making it through the day at work and/or school without being able to listen to your favorite Nine Inch Nails music? Does it get to the point where you begin to consider tearing your wrists open with the staple remover? Well, you're not alone. Thousands of people go through the same ordeal, known as NIN withdrawal.

But now there is good news for sufferers of NIN withdrawal. Presenting Nincontrol?, the first patch made specifically for Nine Inch Nails.

It's not easy trying to overcome NIN withdrawal. But the Nincontrol Patch can give you the extra boost you need to get through the day.
The Nincontrol Patch helps to calm NIN cravings by releasing a steady, low-level stream of NIN into your body, which then circulates into your bloodstream. This reduces NIN withdrawal symptoms that you experience throughout the day such as nervousness, headaches, and homicidal mania. Clinical tests have proven that by controlling these NIN cravings, the Nincontrol patch can help reduce stress on yourself and those around you.
The Nincontrol Patch is easy to use. Just apply it to your upper arm, hip, or ass in the morning when you wake up, and discard it at bedtime. The Nincontrol Patch delivers a dose of NIN directly into your skin as you wear it. Cool, huh?

The Nincontrol Patch has been medically proven to be a "safe" and "effective" substitute for NIN. However, the Nincontrol Patch is not for everyone. Ask your doctor (or somebody who looks like one) if you are under 18, pregnant or nursing a baby, have heart disease, live in Iowa or Missouri, or are allergic to Trent Reznor. Be sure to read the back of the Nincontrol Patch carton for this and other important warning information, and a fun crossword puzzle.

Do not wear the Nincontrol Patch while listening to Nine Inch Nails. Stop using the patch if you experience redness or swelling, or if you begin to grow extra limbs. If the Nincontrol Patch begins to glow a bright green color, remove immediately, place the patch in a tightly sealed metal container, bury it deep in the ground, and consult a physician immediately.

Do not wear the Nincontrol Patch for more than 24 hours. If you do, you will die.

Other exciting products coming soon:

Nincontrol Inhalers
Nincontrol Enemas
Nincontrol Breathmints
Nincontrol: The Video Game
Nincontrol Cigarettes

Until next time...

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