May 11, 2008
Hello, "friends!" Wow, it feels like a week since I last updated this website. Sorry, I've been pretty busy with "real life" stuff lately. Just kidding, I actually just sit and stare at the wall all day long. But I've been pretty busy doing that. Therefore, I haven't had as much time to write about my favorite band in the whole wide world. Hell, I haven't even had time to write about Nine Inch Nails, either. But I promise that I'll make more of an effort to neglect my responsibilities so that I can devote more time and energy to thinking up funny things to say about Trent's sideburns.
Funnily enough, Trent's sideburns decided to put out a new album for Cinco de Mayo, just as I predicted. Honestly, sometimes I get a little tired of being right all the time. Looks like the title got changed at the last second, though, just to make me look like a dumb ass. Now, instead of ?, it's called The Slip. No, seriously. Shit happens, I guess. The album was made available for free on nin.com, of all places. Or, if you prefer, you can PayPal $500 to Trent at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll-- er, I mean, he'll send you an exclusive autographed CD-R of The Slip (actually, there's a very likely chance it'll be Pocket Full of Kryptonite by the Spin Doctors, but let's get real, it's not like anyone will notice).
The Slip comes packed with an exclusive, really exciting PDF file containing exclusive, really exciting artwork. If you've always felt like Nine Inch Nails album art made too much sense, you're in luck today! This time, we've got a blurry photo of Trent enjoying a perfectly heterosexual massage from some guy with hairy arms for the "cover," and some intriguing images of various assorted symbols and scribbles that I'm sure hold some extremely deep meaning to Trent and no one else on earth. Okay! Now, there's one little thing I want to address before trying my damnedest to forever purge the mental image of Trent getting a massage from my mind. Turn with me, if you will, to page 13 of the PDF. Come on, quit being a little bitch and just do it.
Okay, now that we're all on the same page, could someone please do me a favor and enlighten me as to why in the hell there's a credit for "Hair" listed here? At what point during the production of The Slip was it necessary to bring in a hairstylist? Even if we could see Trent's hair on the cover, which we can't, and even if the picture was in focus enough for it to matter, which it isn't, are we seriously supposed to believe that Trent is incapable of operating a hairbrush? "Quick, get Cori in here! I got a cowlick that won't go down! This album cover's going to look stupid now! And while you're at it, brush Brett's arm hair too, it looks terrible!" I mean, honestly.
I have to say, once I listened to the music, the cryptic images in the artwork suddenly began to make sense. Nah, I'm just fucking with you, I still don't get what the hell they're supposed to mean. But the music is still pretty cool (mostly). Not as cool as it would have been if I'd had to pay for it, but that's beside the point. I'm totally pumped that Trent finally wrote a song about my favorite number, 999,999. Well, it's not so much a "song" as "a little bit of pulsating noise that serves no purpose other than to lead into the next track," but I'll take what I can get.
There's something for everyone on The Slip. Well, provided that you enjoy one or more of the following: distorted guitars, drum machines, the word "hey," tambourines, screaming, falsetto, wimpy piano songs that are for girls, creepy instrumentals, and seeds. I like at least five of those things, so it's good enough for me! I was going to do a play-by-play review, but that would just be silly. Nobody needs that.
Before I go do something else that's much more fun than writing this piece of shit, I'd like to take a moment to formally welcome the newest member of the Nine Inch Nails family: Rich "I'm Not Aaron" Fownes! He's already appeared in two of my award-winning Flash animations, but I've never really taken the time to give him a good old-fashioned Meathead Perspective hello. So, hello Rich Fownes! You seem like a cool dude. Trent obviously thinks so, or he wouldn't have hired you. I'm sure you'll be a perfect addition to the band, and that you'll be around for many, many years to come. I can't wait to see you in action, shredding alongside Trent and the gang. And you can bet you'll be showing up in lots more cartoons! Rock on!
Anyway, time for me to go actually enjoy my Saturday evening. Talk at you k00l d00dz later.