May 3, 2008
You Can't Stop Rock And Roll, Or NIN Either, For That Matter

Hi friends! There's lots of exciting crap going on in Nine Inch Nailsville lately! I don't know where Nine Inch Nailsville is, exactly, but I'm assuming it's in New Jersey. That's where all the cool stuff is! You know, like [--PLACEHOLDER TEXT--]

One of the most unexpected things to happen in Nine Inch Nailsville (okay I'll stop) in recent days was the sudden and unexpected release of "Discipline," NIN's first second third hot new dance number specifically targeted at the gay community. It's been received extremely well by fans and non-fans alike -- in fact, I haven't read a single negative comment about it anywhere on the internet! Of course, most seem to agree that the best part is the official video that was revealed on a few days later. I guess Trent figured that instead of stealing ideas from me again this time, he'd just steal the entire video outright. But hey, that's cool, you know, I'm a nice guy. I'm not mad at him. It's kind of cute, actually. I just want to pinch his little cheeks. (not really)

Just yesterday, another new, less homoerotic, more guitary song popped up on the internet, although, strangely, not on, but on Facebook. I don't use Facebook myself, mainly because it's for losers and pedophiles, so I didn't notice until I read the news on The NIN Hotline. This song is entitled "Echoplex." I thought it was a joke at first, but no, apparently Trent really is writing songs about random places in LA now, taking a cue from one of the greatest bands ever to walk the face of the earth, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty psyched to hear NIN's inevitable rockin' tunes about In-N-Out Burger, the LA Department of Water & Power, and Redondo Beach.

According to the information included in these mp3 files, the songs are from a new album entitled ?, which would be NIN's first non-wanky-instrumental release in just over a year. Sure, it's not the greatest album title ever, but at least it doesn't have stupid brackets and underscores all over it. Trent should be careful, though, not to start naming songs after punctuation marks as well, because that would just be ridiculous. He's on a very slippery slope. Along with some thrillingly gray and blocky promotional artwork for what looks to be some sort of Goth Tetris, the info also says to go to on May 5, which I just realized is on Monday, so I'm sure something really amazing will happen then, presumably the world premiere of ?. Of course, I'll be at work and nowhere near a computer all day long, so that's cool. If you don't mind, drop me a line when it comes out and tell me if it sucks or not, so I can know whether I should bother downloading it. Aw, hey, I'm just kidding. I'll still download it even if it sucks.

Speaking of sucks, recently announced the reasons to show up late, a.k.a. "opening acts" for the upcoming tour. Depending on which show(s) you go to, you could be lucky enough to miss out on Crystal Castles; Deerhunter; A Place To Bury Strangers; Does It Offend You, Yeah?; White Williams (I guess that's the opposite of Saul Williams), or Deerhunter (again). You know, people always say Trent's an asshole, but he's obviously a very caring, considerate person. He sees these terrible, shitty bands with no immediately discernable talent whatsoever, and whereas anyone else with taste in music would find out where they live and slash their tires, Trent feels sorry for them and lets them go on tour with his band. And I'm sure he won't leave them stranded at a gas station while making off with all their equipment the day after the first show, like I would. I don't know, maybe I'm just jealous. If these jackasses can open for NIN, why can't I? I mean, if you stuck me in front of a Casio keyboard and a harmonica, I could probably bang out something just as good, if not better, while pressing my mouth right up onto the microphone and mumbling some unintelligible "lyrics." Then again, I haven't come up with a hip, ironic name for my act yet. I should probably get to that soon, if I hope to have a chance in 2009. How about "I Still Play My Colecovision Even Though I Have A Perfectly Functional Xbox 360!!!!" or "The 30-Year-Old Guys In Ringer T-Shirts That Are Two Sizes Too Small." Fuck, I'm no good at this. Maybe I'll head over to Y-Que later for some inspiration.

Stay tuned for a hot, moist review of ? on (or several weeks after) May 5!

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