March 20, 2008
In This Starbucks

One noteworthy item from TR's breathtaking March 13 blog post which I neglected to talk about in my last update (sorry, Newhart fucks with my memory sometimes):

First of all, a sincere THANK YOU for the response to Ghosts. We are all amazed at the reaction for what we assumed would be a quiet curiosity in the NIN catalog. My faith in all of you has been restored - let's all go have coffee somewhere (my treat)!

No, I'm not talking about the fact that he said "Hello." Lots of people say that. It's a perfectly normal greeting here in America. I was talking about the last sentence of the paragraph. Specifically, the last half of the last sentence of the paragraph.

Naturally, the prospect of having coffee with Trent Reznor is enough to make his worshippers get all moist and lubricated in their pants. Conversely, the prospect of having coffee with Trent Reznor's fans makes me want to chug a bottle of Jim Beam and throw myself in the path of a herd of stampeding wildebeests (no offense). I made the regrettable decision to skim through the blog comments, and was rewarded with an onslaught of "I'LL TOTALLY HAVE COFFEE WITH U TRENT LETZ MEET UP NO SERIOUSLY WHERE DO U LIVE I CAN BE THERE IN 3 DAYS IF I STEAL MY PARENTS CAR BUT LETS NOT GO 2 STARBUCKS CUZ THERE TOTALLY SELLOUTS"-type remarks.

Obviously a lot of you out there are seriously under the impression that Trent really wants to go have coffee with you simply because you plunked down enough money to feed 30 starving Ethiopian children for Ghosts I-IV. Because I care about you, let me help point you in the direction of the facts. The fact is, Trent does not want to have coffee with you. He would probably prefer not to live in the same hemisphere as you if at all possible. I'm not trying to be a dick; I'm just saying. But don't worry, it's okay! Put down the razor blade and listen for a second. See, once again, I have the solution for your stupid problems.

Thanks to the power of computers, I have magically created a way for you to experience what it would be like to have your retarded little coffee dream date with Trent Reznor! That's right! Check this shit out.

Here are some instructions in case you have too many chromosomes to figure it out on your own.

As you can probably see in the lovingly-crafted diagram to your left, I've pointed out all the important things you need to know. Well, pertaining to this simulation, anyway.

You begin seated across from Trent in a nondescript coffee shop. Whether or not it's Starbucks is up to you, depending on your opinion of the soulless corporate coffee chain. Maybe it's Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf instead! Just kidding, it's Starbucks, deal with it. Trent likes to say "venti" for some reason. Anyway, your dream has finally come true! Great!

You may notice a bluish rectangular shape near the bottom of the screen. If you're colorblind, don't panic, it's the only rectangular shape near the bottom of the screen. The great thing about this box is if you click on it with your mouse, it lets you type stuff in it! You can put in whatever you want to say to Trent, and when you're done, click on the "TALK" button to the right. It's really not that hard. Once you've spoken your mind, Trent will respond in whatever way he sees fit, even if it's by ignoring you entirely.

Next to Trent's coffee cup is a number. This represents how much coffee he has left. I wanted to have some kind of cool looking meter instead, but I'm too stupid to figure out how to do that in Flash, so you'll just have to settle for this. As Trent sips his delicious caramel macchiato or whatever the fuck he drinks, the number will decrease until it reaches zero. Once it reaches zero, your date will be over and Trent will leave, because he is a very busy person and doesn't have all goddamn day to hang out with your lame ass.

Well, I think that about covers it. I don't want to hold you back any longer (because you smell bad), so get to it!

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