October 12, 2007
7R3N7 R3ZN0R 15 4 J1V3-455 H0NK3Y

Hi, I'm Meathead. I know I haven't updated this page a whole lot lately, because, well, you know, but I feel like I should probably address some exciting stuff that's been going on lately. Then again, the fact that I "should" do things hasn't ever really stopped me from not doing them anyway. I "should" update the Meathead Perspective. I "should" shower regularly. I "should" stop taunting the police by mailing them severed body parts from my elderly victims. But the title of this new "Nine Inch Nails remix album" is just so silly that I couldn't help but laugh at it for hours on end. I "should" stop abusing amyl nitrate.

I can only postulate that Trent "Hot Lips" Reznor is a huge fan of the wildly popular Charlie Clouser drama Numb3rs on CBS (and really, who isn't), and decided to co-opt the previously unheard-of and totally rad idea of replacing letters with numbers for the brand new Year Zero remix album that's currently scheduled to land in stores on November 20 - that is, until Trent finally notices the glaring mistake on the cover and postpones the release date until December 18. Also, putting spaces between words has apparently gone out of style again. The resulting title, Y34RZ3R0R3MIX3D, (a) is evidently not a joke, and (b) looks like what happens when I try to type with my elbows because my hands are covered in barbecue sauce. Which, I assure you, is often.

According to (not the most reliable source of NIN info, so take it with a grain of salt), this is the tracklisting:

1. gunshots by computer: saul williams
2. the great destroyer: modwheelmood
3. my violent heart: pirate robot midget
4. the beginning of the end: ladytron
5. survivalism: saul williams
6. capital g: epworth phones
7. vessel: bill laswell
8. the warning: stefan goodchild featuring doudou n’diaye rose
9. meet your master: the faint
10. god given: stephen morris & gillian gilbert
11. me, i’m not: olof dreijer
12. another version of the truth: kronos & enrique gonzalez müller
13. in this twilight: fennesz
14. zero sum: stephen morris & gillian gilbert
15. i like dudes: pete wentz & that douchebag from the killers

I know what you're thinking. Who the fuck are these people? Olof Dreijer? Pirate Robot Midget?? Saul Williams??? Don't feel bad, I haven't heard of these no-name losers either. But I'm not too worried about it. See, a while ago (roughly 10 seconds after I wrote this paragraph), I drew up a handy, sexy flow chart that explains whether or not a NIN remix will suck. I will now show it to you, through the power of Jesus HTML!

Actually, I guess that chart doesn't help much at all, now that I look at it more closely. Now I feel dumb. Oh well, as I was going to say before I fucked everything up, the good news is that Adrian Sherwood was too busy cleaning the grout in his bathroom to return Trent's repeated phone calls begging him to make some more of his famous kick-ass NIN remixes. Adrian's work is always so spectacular and mind-blowing that it makes everyone else look bad, and therefore it throws the entire remix album off balance. Oh wait, no, I got it backwards, sorry. I meant to say that Adrian Sherwood, and every single thing he does in life, sucks. I know that might seem like a harsh thing to say. If you've never listened to "Screaming Slave," that is.

So now that it's been established that the Osama bin Laden of music isn't involved with Y34RZ3R0R3MIX3D, what exactly can we expect? I don't know, I haven't even listened to it yet. But Trent, who apparently got a pre-release copy of it somehow, had this to say about it: (note: understatements of the year have been highlighted in red by me; things that he didn't actually say, in blue)

"As for the record itself, I'm very pleased with the way it turned out. Remix records can be disposable garbage (of which I myself have been guilty of to some extent) but this collection feels good to me. I reached out to heroes, friends and strangers. I encouraged those I approached to do anything and insert themselves as much as possible into the track. Some of the stuff that was done earlier led me to choosing other people to balance things out. The Pirate Robot Midget mix is a fan's work - I thought it was great, it filled a need and I asked permission to use it here. Sometimes I like to shave my legs and pose in front of the mirror."

I guess there's no way it can suck, then! Y34RZ3R0R3MIX3D will be released via iTunes, and on CD/DVD and vinyl, but of course this information is irrelevant as you're all just going to grab it on Oink as soon as it pops up.

Speaking of Radiohead, guess what NIN is doing now! In a shocking move that no one could have possibly seen coming 20 miles away, especially seeing as how he's never so much as hinted about it in the preceding months, our friend Mr. Muscles has decided to part ways with Interscope and go his own way. If only more people would take the advice of Fleetwood Mac songs when making major life decisions. Now, I know that on a few rare occasions over the years I have shown what some might consider to be a slight tendency to deride certain things that Trent Reznor does. Fine, I'll admit that. But this new development has the potential to actually be kind of cool. Here's what that guy wrote about it on that stupid website:

"Hello everyone. I've waited a LONG time to be able to make the following announcement: as of right now Nine Inch Nails is a totally free agent, free of any recording contract with any label. I have been under recording contracts for 18 years and have watched the business radically mutate from one thing to something inherently very different and it gives me great pleasure to be able to finally have a direct relationship with the audience as I see fit and appropriate. Look for some announcements in the near future regarding 2008. Exciting times, indeed. Also, anyone want to buy a used iPhone?"

Just think about the implications of that only slightly creepy mention of "a direct relationship with the audience." From now on, when you buy one of Trent's whiny new albums, you can buy them directly from him instead of through the record company. And if he decides to adopt the "pay what you want" plan, you can finally steal his music legally! Or, if you're still feeling guilty, you can always pay five cents for it, which is about all he'd get for it anyway if he was still working for Interscope. Then again, you could use that money on a piece of delicious Bazooka gum instead. The choice is up to you. Nine Inch Nails or gum. You have ten seconds.

Another really great thing is that once Trent is finished mixing in the tamborines and his groundbreaking new album is all ready to go, he can release it right away instead of waiting 47 months until Interscope decides to put it out. As a result, he can finally feel free to include lots of hip, fresh pop culture references in his lyrics without being afraid that they'll be out of date by the time it hits the shelves. And it's only a matter of time until he puts out an EP of songs about his socks, just because he can. Exciting times, indeed.

At the bottom of the totem pole of NIN news item importance is the fairly recent announcement that the Nine Inch Nails live incarnation that we've all grown to tolerate over the past two years is no more. What this means, exactly, remains to be seen. Of course Jeordie got canned, but what other changes Trent has planned is anyone's guess. "Anyone" being me.

• "He-Man Trent Reznor" to be replaced by "Classic Trent Reznor," also known as "Pasty Trent Reznor Who Can't Remember Any Of His Lyrics Or Even Stand Up Straight And I Think He Just Puked On Me But At Least He Jumps Around More"

• Trent will just go on stage and play the entire show by himself by just standing there and cueing samples on a keyboard, because that is apparently more interesting somehow

• No more shitty songs; only the good songs from now on

• Trent will discontinue his practice of staring longingly into your eyes during "Hurt," and will from now on stare into the eyes of that dumb bitch standing next to you

• Zombie Jeff Ward, finally at peace after Trent paid him back that $10 he owed him, will no longer stalk the merch booths

• BRING BACK ROBIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• BRING BACK DANNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Finally get rid of that annoying singer guy

• More Bible ripping, dick sucking and puppy murdering -- oh wait, that's Marilyn Manson, nevermind

It's too early to say who, if any, of the band members will stick around for the next tour, but in the event that they've all been kicked out, don't you worry, they'll still be around in some form or another. Jeordie still has that Goon Moon thing, Josh Freese has the "every other band on earth" thing, Allewhatshisface and his Modwheelmood band have a bright future of remixing NIN songs ahead of them, and Aaron has... whatever it is he does. And in the event that Trent's new ideas fail miserably and he needs to come crawling back, he'll know where to find them. Hey, I'm just saying. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Well, now that I've sufficiently put forth a token effort to touch upon the current events in the fascinating world of Nine Inch Nails, I'm going to go eat some chicken. Stay tuned for another gut-wrenchingly hilarious Flash cartoon, as soon as I get around to thinking of something to make one about!

Home | Top of Page | Glossary | Contact | The RSS That Feeds