September 18, 2006
A Momentary Lapse Of Spiral

This past Friday, the world was unexpectedly thrown into complete chaos when it was announced that The Spiral would be down for several days in order to switch over to a different hosting service. Despite receiving notice of the move nearly thirteen whole seconds in advance, many Spiral members found themselves unprepared to deal with a cataclysmic event such as this. Now, not only can they not stare longingly at the three sweaty pictures of Trent that were randomly displayed on the front page, but they also cannot share their disgusting fantasies about Jeordie and risqué photos of their pale, doughy, underage bodies on the message board, or send transcripts of their insipid, emoticon-laced AOL Instant Messenger conversations with their Spiral email accounts. This is without a doubt the worst tragedy faced by mankind in recent memory. Since I, you know, care and stuff, I thought I would lend some advice on how to make it through these trying times.

As the late John Madden once said, the best offense is a good defense. Or maybe it was the other way around. I don't remember. But that's not important, since that saying doesn't really have anything to do with what I was talking about to begin with. I'm not sure why I even mentioned it. What I meant to say was that it's important to be prepared in advance for this kind of thing in case it happens again. BOOM! Tough Actin' Tinactin®.

According to the notice sent out by the Spiral on Friday afternoon, all of your revolting message board posts and cutesy "Spiral Army" graphics will be safely transferred to the new site, but your email messages will not. Those of you who don't obsessively check your email 30,000 times a day are probably wondering why you were left high and dry. Unfortunately, this all could have been avoided if you had kept one important fact in mind: Trent Reznor despises his fans with the blinding fury of a million suns. Seriously, he actually said that in a Rolling Stone interview once. He wants you to lose all your email messages. In fact, I dare say that this was the main reason for the switch (well, that and Trent's belief that MusicToday is run by Jews, but that's a whole other issue for me to address at a later time). Therefore, one should never make the blind assumption that their information that is there today will still be there tomorrow. In the future, always be sure to save copies of your emails to your hard drive at least twice a day, and never store personal info such as telephone and credit card numbers in your Spiral email account. You may think I'm kidding, but you won't be laughing when you start getting heavy breathing phone calls at 3 a.m. and charges for bulk cases of Funyuns begin mysteriously showing up on your bank statements.

Of course, it's worth taking into consideration that perhaps TR has a reason for hating you all so much. Maybe if you guys didn't act like such assheads all the time, he wouldn't keep calling you "pigs" every time he sees you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that the current Spiral situation is your fault, but it pretty much is. The guy is just trying to live his life and sell millions of records, and you people insist on doing rude things like taking pictures of him, asking him to sign things, insisting that he say hi to your friend who has [insert name of extremely rare terminal disease here] and only has two weeks left to live, etc. If you were real fans, I wouldn't have to explain this to you. And to make things worse, you actually have the gall to say cruel things on the internet like "The Fragile isn't the best album ever made" and "I don't think Trent looked very cool with that Flock of Seagulls hair in the 80's." Well, I bet you're regretting saying that shit now, aren't you? Yeah, I'm sure your hair looked awesome in the 80's. Asshole.

But I digress. The damage has already been done, the Spiral is down, and we can't change that now. All we can do is find ways to cope with the pain as we await the glorious return of meaning to our lives on Monday, September 25 at 11:00 a.m. PST. Here are a few suggestions that probably won't help at all.

• Begin thinking of some wonderful new topic ideas for the message board when it is re-launched. If you can't come up with any of your own, just go over to Echoingthesound and copy one of theirs. Go on, no one will notice.

• Read one of the typo-ridden, factually inaccurate and mostly rehashed Trent Reznor biographies available at your local library. If you can't read, try the books on tape, narrated by Bobcat Goldthwait.

• If you're a Nine Inch Nails fan, you most likely have many deep-rooted psychological problems which can only make dealing with the loss of the Spiral even more difficult. Maybe now would be a good time to finally seek professional help. Failing this, there's always alcohol.

• Listen to "Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver over and over again until next Monday. That's what I usually do in this kind of situation. It helps remind me that no matter how much things in my life might suck at the time, John Denver still sucks worse.

• Go enlist in the Tool Army and bother them while the Spiral is down. Don't worry, there are no current laws that prohibit service in both the Tool Army and the Spiral Army at the same time; however, in the event that war is declared between Tool and Nine Inch Nails, you will obviously be required to choose a side. Or, if you'd rather not put yourself in that position, I think Neil Young might have a fan club you can join, since Trent says it's okay to like him now.

• Take this Spiral move as a sign that it's time to update your fake internet personality. If you were nice and friendly before, try acting sarcastic and bitchy for a while. If you used to be Mr. or Ms. Anti-Authority, maybe try becoming a pathetic sycophant. You might consider using a new nickname, too. And remember, it's never too late to turn yourself into a shameless camwhore.

• Be sure to brush up on your internet lingo before the Spiral chat room comes back. Some of the hot new acronyms for Fall 2006: ITHY? (Is Trent Here Yet?), IMHY? (Is Meathead Here Yet?), TSBRDT (This is Sixty Bucks Right Down the Toilet), UASCFABIGBADTR (Using Another So-Called Friend's Account Because I Got Banned Again, Don't Tell Rob)

• Wow, time sure flies! It's almost time for many of you to renew your memberships. Maybe you could actually get a job and pay for it yourself this time instead of begging Mommy and Daddy to do it.

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