September 12, 2006
Keep On Fist Fuckin' In The Free World

At last, my lifelong dream has come true. Trent Reznor and Dave Matthews performing on the same stage on the same night! Kick ass! I guess Jesus has been listening to my prayers after all (so where's my fucking Nintendo Wii at?). Unfortunately, I won't actually be there to witness this event in person, but then again, I have seen NIN and Backstreet Boys on the same night, so I shouldn't complain.

The aforementioned event is a charity concert for the Bridge School, a school for disabled kids founded in 1986 by the wife of Neil Young (formerly of the supergroup Crosby, Stills, Stevens, Petty, Dylan, McCartney, Taylor, Garcia, Page, Plant, Cheech, Chong, Nugent, Nash and Young). Your dad probably knows who he is, go ask him. Of course, Trent is no stranger to charity himself, having recently started a fund drive to send BlackBerrys to starving Ethiopian kids. This didn't go over quite as well, but at least his heart is in the right place.

One unusual thing about this is that the bill states Trent Reznor will be performing, not Nine Inch Nails. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure the Pretty Hate Machine liner notes clearly state that Nine Inch Nails is Trent Reznor. Then again, they also contain the line "now I'm slipping on the tears you've made me cry," so I guess we shouldn't take them all that seriously. It's pretty much assumed that this means that, much like his appearance at last year's ReactNOW thing, it will just be Trent, a piano and a boombox (and possibly a suit that's two sizes too small). Apparently the rest of the band is too busy doing... something. Some have speculated that since Dave "I Played On Most Of The Songs On With_Teeth Because Jerome Wasn't Good Enough" Grohl is going to be there with his band Nirvana Lite, he may also lend his dope drumming skillz to El Rezzo's performance. As cool as this idea might seem at first, when you stop and think about it, wouldn't you much rather hear a tinny, pre-recorded Casio beat emanating from a $20 tape player? Human drummers are stupid.

Because I'm a fucking douchebag, I thought I'd make a few predictions as to what will and will not happen at this thing, which is allegedly scheduled to take place on October 21 and 22 of this year. PARTY TIME

Trent will play "Hurt" both nights. On the first night, he will substitute the word "shit" with "thorns," and on the second night he will substitute the word "shit" with "MOTHERFUCKING PIGS!!!", overturn the piano, simulate ejaculation with a water bottle, and totally get into "March of the Pigs" mode. Then he will remember that there is no drummer.

Neil Young will politely ask Trent to save some Tostitos and salsa for everyone else.

The Bridge School kids will simultaneously sigh with disappointment when they realize that Trent is not the guy from The Incredible Hulk.

Eddie Vedder will get drunk.

During Dave Matthews Band's performance of "Ants Marching," Trent will call Dave Matthews a "fag" under his breath.

Neil Young will firmly insist that Trent save some Tostitos and salsa for everyone else.

Trent will get talked into singing a duet of "Good Vibrations" with Brian Wilson. During this performance, Dave Matthews will call Trent a "fag" under his breath.

Trent will threaten to fire Rob Sheridan if he tapes the "Good Vibrations" duet. Rob will tape it anyway, because he just doesn't give a fuck.

The Foo Fighters will debut another Tapeworm song, and Trent will get angry. Dave Grohl wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Neil Young, upon discovering that the Tostitos and salsa have been completely decimated, will beat Trent within an inch of his life. You do not fuck with Neil Young.

Trent will debut two new songs he's been working on. Those absolute cunts on ETS will make fun of them, and the songs will mysteriously never be performed again.

You will not get tickets to the Bridge School benefit concert.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure all of those things will happen, and I'm never wrong. Anyway, if anyone manages to score a photograph of Trent with Dave Matthews, I will personally pay them one hundred dollars. I'm totally serious.*

Stay tuned for a funny Flash cartoon about this that I may or may not make!

God, this was like, the worst Meathead Perspective ever.

*I am not serious

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