August 23, 2006
I Heard A Rumor

Well, it's that time again. The tour that never ends has ended, that Trent guy has returned to his fortress of solitude to do god-knows-what for the next six to ten years, the lingering Alessandro smell has finally cleared out of the air, and I'm pretty sure I saw a tumbleweed roll across this morning. There's pretty much nothing to talk at the moment due to the lack of anything going on, except maybe for the "news" that Ministry is apparently still around. Most of us have grown accustomed to this regular occurrence and were already prepared for it, but the unknowing newcomer to the thrill-a-decade world of Nine Inch Nails may still give credence to Trent's obligatory drunken caffeinated promises of "new music soon because this time is different and not like last time at all," etc. It's kind of cute, in a way.

I'm kidding, of course. NIN doesn't have any new fans. But let's just put on our fantasy hats (I don't know what that means) and pretend that there really will be a new album/tour in 2007. The NINnies on the NINternet -- or as I prefer to call them, "losers" -- aren't wasting any time; they're already busy spreading completely unfounded rumors (or "rumours" for those of you who insist on inserting unnecessary U's into words) about what this new album/tour will entail. Well, okay, I guess they are wasting time. Shut up.

Since I really have nothing better to be doing right now, let's take a moment to address a few of the more prevalently annoying fabrications that are currently stinking up the world wide web. Then let's go get a cheeseburger or something, I'm hungry.

RUMOR: Nine Inch Nails is going to tour with Tool next year.
This would certainly be the wet dream of many people who are fans of being bored. Unfortunately for them, this will never happen. One of the most obvious problems here would be deciding who opens for who. Both bands have reached the point where they'll be goddamned if they're going to play second fiddle to anybody else, even the resurrected corpses of the Beatles. I suppose they could take turns, but Sammy Hagar and David Lee Roth already tried that, and the last thing we need is Trent stealing yet another idea from those guys. Besides, if I really want a four-hour wankfest, I can do that at home. Oh, and 10,000 Days sucks. Just figured now would be a good time to mention that.

RUMOR: (name of asshole from shitty band) is going to be singing backup on the new NIN album.
This stupid rumor pops up every single time. People said that Alanis what's-her-face was going to be singing on The Fragile, and that Silverchair douchebag was going to be on [WITH_TEETH]. Now people are saying the same for the next album, dropping names like David Crosby, K-Fed, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Seriously, since when has Trent let anyone do guest vocals on one of his songs? I mean, besides that one wimpy instrumental about drowning or whatever. I heard from a pretty reliable source that at one point during the [WITH_TEETH] recordings, Dave Grohl started singing along while playing the drums, and Trent promptly drop kicked him from across the room. Clearly, it's an issue he's very passionate about.

RUMOR: Robin Finck is coming back for the next tour. OH PLEASE GOD LET IT BE TRUE
This is not true. Of course Trent would love nothing more than to have Robin Finck return to the lineup, since he is the best guitarist in the world and all that. Hell, I'm sure he'd re-hire the rest of the Fragility guys in a heartbeat if he could. But right now Robin has more important things to do, like grow his beard, dress like a hobo and wait for Guns 'N Roses to release an album. A man's gotta have priorities. As for the others, Charlie Clouser is usually too high to answer the phone, Danny Lohner is in negotiations to join Guns 'N Roses, and I think Jerome Dillon died a couple months ago. Sorry.

RUMOR: The new album is going to consist mostly of [WITH_TEETH] leftovers.
Another thing that inevitably happens every time is the idea that the forthcoming NIN album will be at least partially comprised of songs that were originally written for the previous album but left off for one reason or another (i.e. they sucked). Trent loves to suggest this after every album is released, usually while still on tour. Obviously there was some material left over from [WITH_TEETH], since we've already heard a couple of the reject songs played live. But I think it's pretty safe to assume that if the other leftover stuff actually lost out to "Not So Pretty Now" when Trent was putting the setlist together, it's probably not anything that anyone would want to hear. It's highly unlikely that "Is The Tape Running? No, Seriously, Quit Fucking With Me, Is It?" and "Atticus Shifting Back And Forth Uncomfortably In His Chair" will make the cut for the new album. That's not to say that one of them won't possibly end up on some Adam Sandler movie soundtrack, though.

RUMOR: Meathead will start to be funny once the next tour kicks off.
Once again, this rumor seems to come around every time, and honestly, I'm pretty offended by what it implies. I feel I've maintained a consistent standard of mediocrity here on the Meathead Perspective over the years. I mean, shit, just look at this craptastic new layout! The idea that I would suddenly start cranking out "quality" entertainment just because things are actually happening in the NIN world flies in the face of what this website is all about, which is putting forth a bare minimum of effort while expecting everyone to perpetually kiss my ass. It's one thing to spread lies about Trent and the band, they're used to it. But saying those kinds of things about me is totally uncalled for and mean. Don't worry, it's gonna be a long six years if I can help it.

[end of list]

I guess there's really not much for NIN fans to do besides wildly speculate about things they couldn't possibly know for sure, except maybe get a life (not that I'd know anything about that). Hell, I've done the same thing myself, and I've been wrong every time. I said that The Fragile would have awesome lyrics, and that [WITH_TEETH] would sound like Earth, Wind & Fire. And for some reason, during each tour, I always make the prediction that Zombie Jeff Ward will return to feast on the flesh of the current drummer, preferably during "Something I Can Never Have," so that I might actually enjoy the song for once. I have a pretty good feeling about the next tour, though.

Anyway, it's about time for that cheeseburger. I hope I've kept you entertained just enough to make it to this paragraph, but not any more than that. Stay tuned for the next exciting update, when I'll show you a PowerPoint presentation detailing the steady decline of Al Jourgensen's career. Bye.


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