July 22, 2005
Catching Up With The Gang

Hola, pendejos. Sorry it's been so long since I last updated, but I've been really busy flossing. But hey, you know how it is. I don't have to tell you.

Actually, that's not true. Flossing is for losers. I've just been going through a period of something similar to what legitimate writers refer to as "writer's block". I fully recognize the irony in this situation; I managed to update this website fairly consistently during the three-year drought of substantial NIN news (even if it was completely devoid of humor 99.9 percent of the time), and now that there is actually stuff going on, my brain cramps up and I can't think of a goddamned thing to say, funny or not. Even my usual fail-safe method of huffing industrial strength paint thinner was unable to kickstart any ideas this time around. (Note: I obviously don't recommend doing this. Be smart, kids, stick with the regular strength paint thinner.)

Now it's been over a month since my last update, and I guess there's probably some expectation that this should be some kind of ultra-mega-special update to compensate for it. Well, it's not. Sorry. I'm saving that for next time. No, really.

Anyway, it would seem that a lot's been happening in the exciting, humid world of Nine Inch Nails. For one, they just came out with a "dope" new Apple commercial music video that's hands-down their best since... the last one. I don't know, maybe I'm just nostalgic, but I sometimes long for the days when a new NIN video meant decaying animals, flies, and/or toilets. Of course, I'm all for Trent moving on from that and progressing as an artist, but I wasn't aware that he would be doing so via some office geek's PinPressions toy. What's next, is he going to possess the water cooler? Maybe the video for "Every Day Is Exactly The Same" will have Trent gothing it up from inside a Dilbert calendar. Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays!

But I digress. It's certainly not the worst NIN video I've ever seen. I mean, Trent could have gone with director and total failure as a human being Enda McCallion again, but fortunately this time he decided to go with someone who actually has one of those "résumé" things. Besides, David Fincher directed that one movie about Brad Pitt beating people up, so it should go without saying that he could do a really cool music video for Nine Inch Nails. But I can just imagine the brainstorming session that must have gone down for this video.

FINCHER: Hmm. Okay... I'm picturing... a dead deer covered in flies, lying next to a toilet--

REZNOR: No, no, I've already been there, done that. I want to do something really fresh and original this time.

FINCHER: Oh. Okay then. How about a bunch of shirtless, sweaty guys fighting each other in a basement?

REZNOR: You mean like in Fight Club?

FINCHER: Oh, shit, nevermind. I thought that sounded familiar. Well, I'm out of ideas.

REZNOR: Hey, what's that thing there on your desk?

According to my inside sources, Fincher was going to have the cup of coffee spill over at the end, but the CGI required for that would have made them go over budget. Oh well.

In other news, apparently Trent finally found some use for those guys that are always posing in pictures with him, and delegated unto them the glamorous job of answering the soul-crushingly insipid questions sent in by fans on the Access page of the Aaron "Not Robin" North and Jerome "Wino" Dillon commandeered Trent's computer, getting Dorito crumbs all in his keyboard and smudging up his monitor in the process, and shared their witty, insightful responses to important questions like "Who does your hair?", "When are you guys coming to Uzbekistan?!?!?!" and "Fuck the Spiral." Among the shocking and not-so-shocking revelations:

• Everyone in the band is probably gay
• "Kinda I Want To" sucks
• Watching opening bands is optional
• Robin Finck somehow qualifies as "great"
• Trent is actually not the shortest person in the band anymore, for once (but he's still the oldest)

Now everyone in the band has contributed to Access except Jeordie, since no one has been able to find a crowbar to pry him off the latest self-hating teenage girl that he found hanging out by the tour bus. Of course, this latest update is labelled as "Part 1", so maybe there's still a chance. One "interesting" point that was brought up by Aaron is that, strangely enough, tossing your shitty demo CD up onto the stage is a pretty stupid idea. I was always under the impression that slicing open a musician's carotid artery with a flying metal disc was the accepted method of getting a record deal, but I guess I was wrong. Seriously though, I can't believe people actually do that shit. Do you know anyone who's actually gotten a deal that way, other than Marilyn Manson? No, that's not the way to go. The correct way is to give your CD to Rob Sheridan, NIN's official demo acceptor, before the show. He never has anything to do besides stare at his camera anyway, so I'm sure he'd be thrilled at the chance to rush your "Bloodraven Mooncorpse" CD backstage and share it with the band, so Trent can sign you and your pudgy, pasty, talentless friends to Nothing Records. Because apparently it's still 1996 and being on Nothing Records is something to aspire to.

God damn, I could go for a grilled cheese sandwich right now.

Speaking of shows, did you know that Trent Reznor, Aaron "Shorty" North, Jerome "Tally" Dillon, Alessandro "Clever Nickname" Cortini and Jeordie "Cold Sore" White are currently in the process of traveling around the world under the collective name of Nine Inch Nails, performing songs that Trent wrote about these chicks that turned out to be total psycho bitches? I bet you didn't know that. Good thing I'm here to let you all know. I take my job as a journalist very seriously. Well, actually, they're not touring right at this moment. In fact they're pretty much doing jack shit for the next month or so. Fucking hippies.

Tickets for many of these shows have already gone on sale, and many more will be in the near future. All the good seats went to those REAL FANS who spent thirty bucks on a laminated piece of paper (at least I'd hope it's fucking laminated), but if you're not good enough to be a REAL FAN, don't worry, I'm sure you should still be able to tell who's who from Row XYZ Seat 999, provided you bring your micron telescope along with you.

And the award for Most Pathetic and One-Sided Artistic Feud Ever goes to: Nine Inch Nails and Die Toten Hosen (The Dead Pants). NIN says Die Toten Hosen's crew broke their guitars with their Stonehenge backdrop (insert painfully obvious Spinal Tap reference here). Die Toten Hosen fired back by calling Trent and Co. "American-style pussies" and a few other things that basically translate to "thanks for mentioning us and boosting our record sales this week to 10". But what actually happened is, nobody gives a shit. Fortunately, everything else about NIN's visit to Germany went very smoothly and didn't suck balls at all, and they eagerly anticipate returning to play some more shows in front of a bunch of pissed off Rammstein fans. Whoops, sorry, I mean Ramms+ein. THIS IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE WE DANCE.

Well, it seems that the "organic vegetables" I ate earlier are starting to kick in, so I'm going to go lie down in a field and communicate with nature for a few hours. See you all when I get back, assuming I don't get eaten by bears.

Your buddy,

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