January 24, 2005
When NIN Attacks
ИIИ.COM, which somehow manages to become uglier with each new update, has graciously updated its access section with a buttload of new questions sent in by Trent Reznor's stupid and annoying fans. I was quite surprised by this, since I was under the assumption that Trent would be too busy "rehearsing for the tour" (masturbating) and "preparing the new album for release" (masturbating) to be bothered with answering a bunch of idiotic questions on his ugly website. But I guess I was wrong for once! Let's see what Ol' Stinky had to say this time.
Q: Who is in the band, and why? Why has it seemed to be so difficult to find the right people?
A: THE LINEUP IS NOW COMPLETE AND CORRECT! ALESSANDRO WHATS_HIS_FACE, JEROME, AARON NORTH, AND TWIGGY. HOLY CRAP WE SOUND SO FUCKING AWESOME. SO AWESOME IN FACT THAT BILLY CORGAN HAD US KICKED OUT OF THE REHEARSAL STUDIO BECAUSE WE SOUNDED TOO AWESOME AND HE GOT JEALOUS BECAUSE HIS BAND DOESN'T SOUND AS AWESOME AS US. SO NOW WE'RE REHEARSING IN SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM BUT HEY WHATEVER. AARON IS SO MUCH COOLER THAN ROBIN, UNTIL I FIRE HIM NEXT WEEK FOR HAVING FILTER SONGS ON HIS IPOD. THEN I'LL TALK SHIT ABOUT HIM ON MY NEXT UPDATE AFTER I'VE HIRED SOME OTHER DUDE. WE ARE TOTALLY GOING TO KICK YOUR ASSES FOR PAYING MONEY TO COME SEE US, THAT'S HOW BADASS WE ARE NOW.
Well, I paraphrased a little bit there. Technically what he said was "WE ARE PREPARING TO DESTROY YOU." That's right, at this very moment, Trent Reznor and his "friends" are currently in the middle of an inspiring montage sequence, swinging at punching bags, lifting increasingly-heavy weights, jumping rope, and running up and down long flights of stairs, set to the theme from Rocky. Why, you ask? So they can destroy us for absolutely no reason. DESTROY! Maybe Trent will come down off the stage and personally punch each of his fans in the face twelve times. That'll teach 'em. Fuckers.
Q: So I guess "With Teeth" is coming out after your tour starts? Will you be debuting new songs on the tour before we hear the album?
A: "WITH TEETH" IS SCHEDULED TO BE RELEASED 5_3_05 IN THE US. (This will be pushed back at least twice —ed.) WE WILL BE PLAYING A LOT FROM THE NEW RECORD, SO IF YOU SEE US BEFORE IT COMES OUT...
...WE WILL DESTROY YOU! No, seriously. I think Trent has finally lost his mind. If you absolutely must go see Nine Inch Nails this year, I strongly recommend wearing a helmet. I know I sure as hell won't be going to any of these shows now, because I value my own personal safety. Well, sort of. Not really. Fuck it.
Q: Will the production on this tour be as elaborate as the last? The Fragility show was one of the most amazing shows I've seen, so I have high expectations!
A: YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED.
You have to love these nondescript answers. I think what he really meant to say was:
A: YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED, AS LONG AS:
- YOU HATE OUR WIMPY SLOW SONGS LIKE "LA MER" AND THAT OTHER ONE.
- YOU ARE TOO MESMERIZED BY MY SWEATY, MUSCLY ARMS TO CARE WHO ELSE IS ON STAGE.
- YOU CAN NEVER GET TIRED OF CORN STARCH.
- YOU LIKE PIÑA COLADAS.
- YOU VOTED FOR KERRY.
- YOU DON'T THINK THE NEW RECORD TOTALLY BLOWS ASS.
Since they intend to play lots of new material which I still don't believe exists at these shows which will probably be cancelled at the last minute, I would think one's level of satisfaction with the performance would be largely dependent on the quality of this new material. Well, that and how drunk the band is. What if a fan were to go to the show expecting an evening of soothing pan flute? They would probably be disappointed, since as we all know, Trent Reznor can't play the pan flute worth a shit. Or what if a portion of the live show involves Alessandro Cortini throwing buckets of milk into the audience, and you happen to be lactose intolerant? Once again, you will probably be disappointed. Perhaps there are some people whose enjoyment of previous Nine Inch Nails concerts was subconsiously connected to the smell of Robin Finck's deodorant. I think it's awfully presumptuous of Trent to assume that we will definitely not ask for our money back at the end of the night. Stop it!
Q: Since you write all the music for the album, how does it work with a band when you prepare the songs to play live? How much do the individual bandmembers contribute? Do you think having new band members will change the sound of the older songs?
A: THIS BAND IS CAPABLE OF A LOT, AND I TRUST AND RESPECT EVERYONE'S MUSICAL ABILITY (EXCEPT JEORDIE). THAT SETS THE STAGE FOR THINGS TO CHANGE MUSICALLY. WE ARE REWORKING A NUMBER OF OLDER TRACKS THAT STILL MATTER TO US, WHILE FOCUSING ON THE NEW MATERIAL.
Lucky for you, I was able to intercept a copy of the memo with the list of songs that still matter to Nine Inch Nails. Here it is.
TO: JEROME D., JEORDIE W., ALESSANDRO C., AARON N., WILLIE N.
SUBJECT: SONGS THAT STILL MATTER TO US (LEARN THEM OR ELSE)
HEY GUYS, HERE ARE THE OLDER SONGS THAT STILL MATTER TO US:
HEAD LIKE A HOLE
DOWN IN IT (SINGE)
SINCE I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO PLAY MY MUSIC, I WON'T BOTHER TO SHOW UP FOR REHEARSALS. SO I EXPECT YOU TO FIGURE THEM OUT ON YOUR OWN, SINCE I TRUST AND RESPECT YOUR MUSICAL ABILITIES (EXCEPT JEORDIE).
I know we're all sad that Robin won't be back to lend his signature sound (whatever that is), and I'm sure that the band will totally sound like shit without him there, since there's no way anybody else could possibly play those songs as good or better than he could. At least that's what I've gathered from the emails I've received and the bulletin board posts I've read on the internet. Personally, I'll miss the shitty backup vocals the most. Seriously though (as serious as this page can be, rather), I don't fucking care who's in the band, as long as they don't TOTALLY FUCK UP. But I'm sure these new guys are really smart, talented and have fantastic personalities. They know what they're doing, and will be able to play both the old and the new songs without TOTALLY FUCKING UP. Because if they do, I'll be waiting for them out in the parking lot.