November 30, 2004

Quick Note: The following pertains only to those who live in a parallel universe in which The Record Soon To Be Known As The Record Formerly Known As With Teeth ("TRSTBKATRFKAWT" for short) will actually be released. Those of us who live in this universe would be well-advised to skip reading this update and instead do something more rewarding, like masturbating to your neighbor's stamp collection.

In the final days leading up to the final weeks leading up to the official press release announcing an official update on the official NIN website regarding an official release date for the official new NIN record, WITH TEETH, many people have been expressing their innermost fears about what the finished product will actually be like. Personally, I feel these people should be deeply ashamed for questioning what will undoubtedly be TRENT REZNOR's master-work, and for even insinuating that TRENT REZNOR could possibly be anything less than a god amongst men, perfect by design, and incapable of error or contradiction. Assholes. You know, just because TRENT REZNOR is an unfathomably superior being to us mortals, and will never die, that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings. Take that into consideration before you insensitive jerks start ignorantly spouting off at the mouth about what you perceive to be flaws in his character (they're totally not).

will quite simply be the single most important, groundbreaking sound recording ever produced. Granted, I thought the same thing about The Fragile before it came out, but this time I'm really sure. Since I'm so certain of this, I thought I'd take a moment to address some of the concerns that have cropped up recently on the Internet. Hopefully I can put your fears to rest using my soothing HTML charms.

Fear #1: The album will only have 12 songs, and that sux.
True, TRENT REZNOR has referred to his as-yet-unfinished new record as being "twelve good punches to the face". Many people interpreted that as meaning there would be a total of twelve songs, and after being accustomed to NIN records containing twice as many, this came as a surprise. But look at it this way. If you boiled down The Fragile to just the good stuff, there'd only be like 6 or 7 songs on it. So by putting out an album with less songs on it (and therefore, less tracks that should have been left as b-sides, if not outright deleted), TRENT REZNOR is helping to keep the track skip button on your CD player from wearing out prematurely. And for that, you should be thanking him, not complaining!

Fear #2: The album will sound too much like [PRETTY HATE MACHINE / BROKEN / THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL / THE FRAGILE / TIME, LOVE & TENDERNESS], and that sux.
If there's one thing that TRENT REZNOR is known for, it's his severe allergy to turkey bacon. But if there's one other thing that he's known for, it's that he never re-treads the same ground on his albums, lyrically or musically. His first album, Pretty Hate Machine, was about some chick from college. Broken was about his legal problems with TVT and how Steve Gottlieb is a complete tool. The Downward Spiral was about decaying animals, with occasional references to that chick from college. The Fragile was about something or other, with occasional references to that chick from college. WITH TEETH looks to be about his legal problems with Nothing and how John Malm is a complete tool. I know what you're thinking, that sounds waaaay too similar to the theme of Pretty Hate Machine. But trust me, this new album will be totally different and unique in its own right, and you're stupid if you think otherwise.

Fear #5: Trent is letting other people collaborate on the album with him, and that sux.
God, bitch bitch bitch! Is that all you ever do? Sure, we all know that The Fragile was entirely written, performed and recorded by TRENT REZNOR on his computer in his bedroom with no assistance at all from anybody else. And that's really him playing the piano on "Just Like You Imagined". All the people listed in the lyrics booklet are his imaginary friends. But this time TRENT REZNOR has mysteriously decided to allow Englishman Atticus Ross, Spaniard Leo Herrera, and hippie Dave Grohl hang out with him while recording. But don't worry, they won't ruin anything by being there. They are simply there to order pizza, serve as "Player 2", and massage TRENT REZNOR's feet with rare, exotic oils. TRENT REZNOR would never let them actually participate in the creative process and thereby ruin what would otherwise be a flawless piece of art. You should know him better than that by now!

Fear #J: The album will have chords on it, and that sux.
I can actually empathize with this one. One thing that's always bugged me a little about previous NIN works was TRENT REZNOR's insistence on using combinations of more than one musical note at the same time. I don't know about you, but it pisses me off how musicians do that all the time. But, thank God (a.k.a. TRENT REZNOR), there shall be no more of that on WITH TEETH! According to a post by TRENT REZNOR on the official NIN website, we'll finally be able to listen to him sing about that chick from college without all those goddamned chords getting in the way. Unfortunately, making music with no chords takes a lot of time, so this is the main reason the album is taking so long (besides the whole turkey bacon thing).

Fear #Δ: When the album finally comes out, nobody will even know because there won't be any publicity, and that sux.
WRONG! THAT IS WRONG! NIN IS JUST AS RELEVANT AS THEY WERE IN 1994, AND THE MUSICAL CLIMATE HAS NOT CHANGED SINCE THEN! SO YOU SHUT UP! SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR FAT FACE! FATTY! Actually, management changes caused by the departure of John "Ball-Licker" Malm will most likely create a closer relationship between NIN and Interscope and therefore result in a more effective promotional campaign for the upcoming new release. SO SHUT UP!!!!!

Fear #LSD: Trent will probably end up doing an annoying iPod commercial and make an appearance on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, and that sux.
Right now you're probably thinking, how does TRENT REZNOR make money? How can he afford that awesome studio, that awesome house, and that awesome '87 Ford Festiva? Certainly he's spent all the money from The Fragile by now, and his job as night-shift manager at Wendy's can't be enough to make ends meet. He's going to have to sell out big time in 2005 if he wants to be able to get all the latest XBox games! Well, yeah, you're probably right. He'll probably end up kissing Leno's ass and acting like he's funny while Jay kisses TRENT REZNOR's ass and acts like he gives a damn about his music. But TRENT REZNOR would never do one of those lame iPod commercials. Nothing against the iPod, really, but those commercials make me want to eviscerate myself with a salad shooter. In fact, it's hard for me to imagine any artist with a modicum of self-respect doing one of those. Have faith, TRENT REZNOR won't stoop to that level.

Fear #Tortilla: The Meathead Perspective will start to be funny again once the new album comes out and Meathead actually has something to work with, and that sux.
Fret not! The Meathead Perspective has strived to maintain a consistent level of depressing lameness for over two years now (give or take three years), so why stop just because of a new NIN album? There's nothing for you to worry about. When WITH TEETH lands on store shelves and TRENT REZNOR lands on stage, I will continue to provide the same flaccid jokes and wasted comic potential as before. This is my pledge to you, the loyal people who continue to read this dreck despite hating it so much.

Well, it looks like my bus is here, so I have to go now. I should be back again next week with a detailed essay on the eerie relationship between Further Down The Spiral v2 and Zoobilee Zoo. If not, then I won't. Bye!

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