June 11, 2004
How To Make A Philly Cheesesteak

If you've been reading the Meathead Perspective lately, you probably have noticed that I have an affinity for Philly cheesesteak sandwiches. I think they're really good. Well, the thing is, I was so caught up in my zeal for the wonders of this impossibly delicious food that I didn't even stop to consider those in other parts of the world who are less familiar with American cuisine. I'd like to apologize for my insensitivity in this matter.

My close personal friend Hugo, who lives in the Czech Republic?, contacted me with what he claimed was a very important question. And sure enough, it was a very important question. He doesn't know what a Philly cheesesteak is! In fact, the vast majority of the Czech population are at this very moment completely unaware of the glorious fact that Philly cheesesteaks exist. How this could be is completely beyond my comprehension, but it's an issue I intend to remedy immediately. Today I'm going to tell you how to make your own quick and easy Philly cheesesteak!!

Here's what you'll need:
1/2 pound (approx. 0.25kg) deli sliced roast beef
1/2 medium-sized green pepper
1/4 medium-sized onion
1/2 cup sliced mushrooms
(4) slices cheese (preferably provolone or American)
(2) 8-inch sandwich loaves
frying pan
ability to not set the goddamn kitchen on fire
Chop up the damn vegetables. You'll want to cut them into pretty small pieces. You know, so you don't accidentally choke on them and die or anything like that. We'd all miss you. Once you're done robbing the poor vegetables of their dignity, set them aside. We'll come back to them later, I promise! *hugz*
Now you're going to need to fry up the meat. Place the sliced roast beef into a regular size frying pan, as shown. Try to get all the roast beef into the pan if possible, and not on the stove or the floor. Set the burner on medium high heat. After a minute or so, the meat should begin to sizzle. Mmmmm. Smell that sizzlin' meat.
Let the motherfucking meat sizzle for a minute or so (not too long!!) and then add the chopped up peppers and onions and mushrooms. SEE I TOLD YOU WE'D GET BACK TO THE STUPID VEGETABLES. YOU THOUGHT I WAS A FUCKING LIAR! I KNOW YOU DID YOU HAD THAT LOOK THAT YOU ALWAYS GET WHEN YOU THINK I'M LYING TO YOU!!! I DON'T NEED THIS! I SWEAR TO GOD I DON'T NEED THIS BULLSHIT
Now pay attention to me: It's of the utmost importance that you do not pass out from blood loss at this point. Stay focused! We're almost done. Let the meat and vegetables (and mushrooms -- they're a fungus, not a vegetable) cook in their mingled juices for a few minutes until they appear to be cooked thoroughly, which should only take a few minutes. Once this occurs, immediately turn off the burner. In a fluid, sweeping motion, remove the frying pan from the stove and empty its contents into the sandwich loaves. If you can do this just right, you might actually get laid.
Apply two cheese slices to each sandwich, in an artsy-fartsy diagonal fashion. Let the cheese melt a little, then apply frightening amounts of gooey mayonnaise. Don't be stingy! Serves 2 (or 1 disgusting pig with no self control).
When you're done, your sandwiches should look exactly like the one shown here on the left. If it doesn't, then you fucked up. I hope you do choke on your vegetables, you goddamned loser. Get away from me.

Anyway Hugo, I hope these simple, easy-to-follow directions will help to usher in a new era of cheesesteaks in your life. And please be sure to go forth and share this invaluable information to the rest of your tragically cheesesteak-ignorant country as soon as possible. Don't let them live in darkness any longer!

Yours in Christ,

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