May 6, 2004
Oops, I Crapped My Pants!
Well, here I was enjoying my time off down here in the Bahamas, when I decided to drop by my beachside cabana to refresh my margarita and check my email. Of course, I wasn't expecting anything important, apart from my daily "Fw: Fw: F.r.e.e Prescr1pt1on__ XX3NICAL__ CI@_LiS__ ULTR@M__ F!0RIC3T__ __ V1AGR..." correspondence. But much to my surprise, I noticed an exceptionally large number of News Sumbission emails in my inbox. We already posted the big, really important Denzel Washington news, so what else was there to submit? Sure enough, the impossible had happened. Nin.com had updated.
Now I'm sure we all remember the tragedy that was the July 4, 2003 "update," which was the equivalent of Trent Reznor calling you on the phone, saying "Hey guess what!" and then hanging up, disconnecting his phone and moving to Uruguay. Fortunately, this time is different. For the first time in years, Nine Inch Nails has a website that isn't a total embarrassment. Get this -- you can now actually go to the Nine Inch Nails website and obtain information about Nine Inch Nails! Incredible! Trent Reznor's genius never ceases to amaze me.
Naturally, I don't expect you to actually go there yourself and see what's on the site, so I'll just go over it right here.
As soon as you show up, nin.com is nice enough to tell you the date it was last updated. It also reminds you how to spell the word "thousand" in case you've forgotten (Lord knows I always do!). Boy, this broken typewriter style sure is Nine Inch Nailsy.
On your right, you might notice that there's a menu of deliriously exciting places to check out. Let's start from the top, and work our way down. You like that, don't you.
The first thing on the NIN List O' Fun™ is the "current" section. You might recall back in days of yore when the old nin.com had a "current" section, although this may have been before you were born. Well, now it has a "current" section once again! Sure, the information that's currently in the "current" section is absolutely fucking useless, but it's the thought that counts.
Along with a totally rad, totally impossible to see without adjusting the fuck out of the color levels in Photoshop new picture of El Rezzo and his brother Marv playing with Trent's new Easy Bake Oven, we get what will presumably be the first of several pointless cryptic journal entries. Those of you who were around back in nineteen ninety-nine (look how cool I am typing like that) should remember this exact same
and then there were three... plans have a way of never turning out the way you expect.
atticus, leo and tr have been refining some new tracks, but i'd hardly call it refining. jerome's playing has added a new element of violence they're experimenting with. the rough mixes i've heard sound very... um, rough sounding.
tr has finished his latest wave of material he seems to be happy with -- as different from the last batch as you can imagine -- and wants to fit in a bit of work on STRMGRP before returning to l.a.
today, they finished roughs of MEAT HEAD, MEATHEAD IS TOTALLY AWESOME, and DID I MENTION HOW AWESOME MEATHEAD IS? to send to PAT SAJAK. The latter's structure was changed several times to no avail -- it's slow and brutal and heavy and blew up the genelecs. oh well. i'm sure i'll be hearing that one again tomorrow (on different speakers).
Moving on, the next section down the list is entitled "body of work", which is a clever alternative to "discography" in that it creates more of an illusion that Trent Reznor actually works. You can peruse all of NIN's ugly album covers and ugly tracklistings, and wish you'd come up with the title "Down In It (Singe)". It's also a handy list to keep track of all the halo numbers. That way you can sound like an even bigger jackass than before by referring to each album by its corresponding halo number instead of just saying the goddamned title, jackass. lol hugz.
If you scroll down the whole way to the bottom (like that's a really long trip), you'll see that Halo Eighteen, which I assume will be the single for DID I MENTION HOW AWESOME MEATHEAD IS?, is listed as being released in 2004-- er, sorry, two thousand four. This will change to two thousand five within the coming months.
Currently eclipsing the "current" section as the most useless section on nin.com, the "performances" section offers nothing but a notice that there are no tour dates currently scheduled. Well, duh.
FUCK YEAH!! BRING ON THE VISUALS!! This is without a doubt the second most rockin' page on the new nin.com. There is literally an assload of multimedia content here. With the exception of some "new" rehearsal footage of "Just Like You Imagined" (recorded in the year two thousand), it's all stuff that's been seen before, but the fact that it is all now available in one place is totally bitchin'. I've always wanted to be able to watch the "Happiness in Slavery" video at work.
ObjectMerch.com is dead, but if you believe what it says here on nin.com (I wouldn't), there will be improved merchandise coming soon. Boy, I can hardly imagine what new and improved stuff they'll be selling. Maybe an official Nine Inch Nails Armani suit, or a Nine Inch Nails Rolex! You may even be able to cruise through town in your very own Nine Inch Nails Lexus! But it'll probably be just more stupid shirts.
No, don't panic. The nin|access boards haven't been brought back. I admit that I too felt a sudden surge of pain in my gut upon seeing the "access" link there, but worry not. Much like The Meathead Perspective, the "access" section of nin.com is a great way to harrass and annoy El Rezzo in the comfort of your own home or office! Just kidding, that would be mean.
Stop and think for a moment. What is one question have you always wanted to ask Trent Reznor? "What are your inspirations?" "What is your ultimate goal in life?" "Did you grab Charlize Theron's ass when you had the chance?" All these are very good questions, and now you won't have to spend the rest of your life wondering. Just type your name into the little box, put your question in the big box, and click the Submit button. Your question (along with 80 million others just like it) will be immediately hurled at the speed of light toward Trent Reznor! Terrific! And since he truly cares about each and every one of his fans, you can be certain he'll answer all of your deep, thoughtful questions in a timely manner, instead of just ignoring them all while he sits around playing Donkey Kong and letting the website collect dust for eight months. Trent loves you, and this is the proof. By the way, did you know that "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
There's also a newsletter you can sign up for. The official NIN newsletter will obviously be packed tight with tons of up-to-date, exciting info, just like the website, so you'll definitely be missing out if you don't sign up! I haven't personally signed up yet, but I will. No, really, I will. Later. Maybe.
Last, but definitely not least, is the "resources" page. This is the page where they have all the links. If you were wondering what the one page that rocks more than "visuals" was, here it is. Sure, it might not look like much, and it might not have any QuickTime movies of Trent Reznor jumping up and down, but what it does have more than makes up for it. See if you can spot it in the screen capture below.
Stay tuned for more thrilling updates here on The Meathead Perspective (maybe)! Trent sucks!