March 3, 2004
Goodbye, Old Friend

As I'm sure you've all heard by now, a good friend of the NIN-ternet community passed away last night, after a 4-year illness. That's right, nin|access, the message board system, is dead.

nin|access was born in the early hours of Tuesday, September 21, 1999. There was much rejoicing, as it promised to serve as an avenue of open communication between Nine Inch Nails and the online fans. nin|access thrived in its early days. It was a fun way to waste time, and occasionally Trent Reznor and/or one of his associates would drop by to say hello and perhaps even pass along a little bit of exciting news. Yes, life was good for nin|access.

But sadly, it wasn't long before things began to turn for the worse. nin|access wasn't as healthy as it once was, and this became more and more of a concern. It was eventually diagnosed as having SFRS (Stupid Fucking Retard Syndrome), a devastating disease that is unfortunately not uncommon with internet message boards. SFRS is rarely curable, and nin|access was no exception.

SFRS affects message boards by inundating them with annoying, idiotic posts such as "HAY TRENT R00LZ UR A FAG IF U DONT LIKE NIN". The chances for recovery are much higher if it's caught early on, and if the board is then given regular doses of moderating. nin|access was not so lucky, as Reznor could not afford to pay someone to moderate it. The disease spread rapidly through nin|access' system, thanks to 12-year-old goth/wiccan fangirls and wannabe hackers who think messing around with a completely unmoderated nine inch nails board will get them laid.

In late 2003, a last-resort treatment for nin|access's disease was attempted. This new, controversial procedure, known as "annoyance purging therapy", aims to flush the Stupid Fucking Retards from the message board's system by annoying them so much that they won't want to be there. The idea was that if the backgrounds were faded into the color of the text, no one would be able to read anything, and everyone would go away. But this particular case of SFRS was not going away so easily, and it quickly built up a resistance. At this point, the painful decision was made to halt treatment and let nature take its course. Only God could save nin|access now.

Of course, this was not to be, as the Good Lord saw fit to take nin|access away from us last night at approximately 10 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. While none of us can honestly say we're surprised by this, it doesn't make the pain of loss any less. But let us celebrate the good things nin|access has done for us, and carry its memory fondly in our hearts as we attempt to go on with our own lives, as difficult as that may be. nin|access would want it that way.

Goodbye, nin|access. You will truly be missed.

(not really)

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