January 29, 2004
WTF Week, Day 4

Hey everybody! There are still 2 more days (including this one) left in WTF Week! Wooo! How about that! This is the most fun I've had in years. I wish I could do this all the time. It would be worth there being no NIN news just to be able to keep posting these guest articles every day (and yes, this week's articles were sent in by others - April Fool's is still two months away, folks), and I'm sure everyone reading this wholeheartedly agrees! Unfortunately, there may actually come a day when there are actual new things to talk about -- probably not, but maybe -- and that would mean I'd have to start trying to write actual material again. But even if that does ever happen, it won't be for a long, long time, and in the meantime I can keep on coming up with new and exciting ways to entertain you while doing an absolute minimum of work on my part! That's so cool.

And now, on to our next guest submission, sent in by "Raven Amos"!


BEING A TRENT FAN - by a Trent Fan

There's been a lot of flak tossed the way of the millions of screaming, gibbering, fanmonkeys that follow Lord Reznor's every step, every breath, and every broken wind. Most people out there think that we are all a bunch of depressed, drama-seeking gothlets, aged 13-18, who eventually discover that there's a life outside of their rooms and move on to become corporate execuitives at Shell Oil Company or shareholders with IBM. I am here to tell you, this is simply not true! Today, I shall walk you through an ordinary day in the life of me, a Trent Reznor fan.

The day starts sometime around 5pm, when the sun starts to go down, because as everyone knows I'm secretly a vampire that will explode in the light. I get out of my bed that I have attempted to make look like a coffin with construction paper and duct tape, and perform my daily ritual where I bathe in blood, which is actually just red food coloring put into the bathwater. After an hour or so of half-heartedly attempting to slash my wrists with a dull Bic razor, I get out of the tub and put on the clothing I just bought at Hot Topic last week (which has already gone out of style according to the chat forums - but what do they know? Buncha poseurs!). After spending another hour or so putting on my makeup (can't forget the fangs!), I grab my CD player which I have adorned with every feasable NIN insigna and logo known to man, collect my NIN CDs, and put the headphones to drone out the incessant gibbering of my "family", asking me why I can't put on some blue jeans just once or get up at a reasonable hour or why the hell are all the bathroom towels stained red. Something like that. After dodging my mom's attempts to wash my makeup off with a spit-soaked hanky, I head out to the local Denny's, because I'm too young to go to a real club. Besides, I like going there just so I can ignore people, and be ignored back. After all, that's what being a NIN fan is all about! I meet up at Denny's with a few of my "friends" and we all sit around, drink coffee, write spooky poetry about how much we love NIN, and exchange the latest gossip about our god that we heard on some chat line or another. Then someone shows me something that makes me very angry! It's a picture of Trent kissing a woman in an elevator! I was like, oh my god, I want to kill myself even more than I usually pretend I do! I get pissed, but I hide it with a clove cigarette which I had my older brother buy for me.

After midnight rolls around, it's time to go home because the Denny's manager suddenly threw a hissy fit over us biting each other and trying to drink each other's blood - something about "upsetting the other customers". About this time I realize my Pretty Hate Machine CD has a tiny scratch on it and I start weeping and smearing my eyeliner. I start back for home, only to be beat up along the way by some Jocks who steal my CD player and push me into a mud puddle. I flip them off and put a hex on all of them, which only makes them laugh harder. Fools. When they start shitting frogs and pissing blood, they won't be laughing.

I finally get home and immediatelly hop on my computer which I have spraypainted black and adorned with rubber bats and cut-out pictures of Trent and start surfing the web for new NINfo (god I love that word!). Finding that absolutely nothing has changed in the past 6 hours since I last checked, I pout, further smearing my makeup, and listen to "Closer" on infinite repeat until I fall asleep in my chair, drooling on the keyboard. My alarm clock finally wakes me up at 8 am - time for school. I re-apply my makeup while eating an onion bagel (a poor substitute for human flesh), realize I forgot to do my homework last night, and dart out the door just as the bus starts to pull away from the bus stop. Ten blocks later, I finally get the bus driver to stop and let me on, but by this time my hair is a mess and I've lost one of my precious fangs, which pisses me off because mom won't buy me another pair - something about them interfering with my retainer. I reach for my CD player, only to remember it got stolen the night before, so I start singing "Something I Can Never Have" to myself, only to be interrupted by an apple being bounced off my head and some jock yelling at me to shut the fuck up. I hex him too, and fantasize about him getting anally violated by Trent himself, which arouses me for some strange reason...

The rest of the day is boring, uneventful, and has nothing to do at all with Trent. I cut art class to go home early after turning in my rendition of the NIN insignia wrapped in flames as my project and stop at the pawn shop to find my CD player behind the front counter. The owner, of course, gives it back to me for free - after all, I'm in here every week getting the damn thing back again. I go back home, set up a few downloads of NIN videos, and fall asleep in my coffin, ready to start the whole process over again.

So there you have it - a day in the life of a Trent Fan. I hope I cleared the air about a few things.

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