January 28, 2004
WTF Week, Day 3
Good morning/afternoon/evening/whatever! Did you all enjoy yesterday's guest article? Me too! Well, I haven't actually read it, but I'm sure it was quite spectacular. I'm sure you all have been up all night anticipating the next installment of WTF Week, and I don't want to keep you waiting too much longer, but I'd just like to share with you some of the incredible responses that I've already gotten since Monday. Let's take a look:
Subject: WTF WEEK RULES!!!
Hey Meathead, this is the coolest thing you've ever done. I think you should make 2004 WTF Year and do this every day. Thanks for making this week so incredibly awesome!
Subject: fucking awesome
Wow, your website used to suck, but lately it's been cool as hell!! I've been reading these guest submissions at least 50 times a day, and they get funnier each time! I don't even care about NIN anymore, but you make me wish I did!!!
Holy shit I just about crapped my pants from laughing so hard. Why havent you done this sooner?? Youre still gonna do another WTF Week next week right?? Right now the guest articles are the only thing in my life worth looking forward to....
You know, I was just about to have Rob update the website with info on the new record, but if that means WTF Week will be cancelled, I guess I can put it off for a while. Screw Bleedthrough, I'd hate to miss out on more of these totally hilarious articles! Rock on!
As you can see, WTF Week has been insanely popular. I actually thought the idea was kind of stupid at first, especially the idea of stretching this out over the span of an entire week. I thought "nobody will like this, everyone will just bitch and complain and question the existence of a just God." But now I realize I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Anyway, I've written enough for now. On with the show!
Meathead, you fucker, it's me, Trent. I figured I'd take a stab at writing a Perspective since, well, I've got nothing better to do. As you've probably realized by now, I, Trent Reznor, have no real album...in fact, my whole career has been a ruse. The carefully placed "Bleedthrough" rumors have been calculated distractions to divert attention away from the fact that I have defected from the US and am in hiding, somewhere that I cannot name, but, let's just say that it's ungodly frigid in here, like a frozen version of my own private hell. No, I'm not talking about the cold, sterile and sickening world of the nin.com dboards, nor am I referring to Canada, or my own lonely bed, for that matter. I am referring to...oh, wait, I forgot, I'm not allowed to divulge that, right. Anyway, I am in hiding, in extreme fear for my life because I know that, when my legions of extremely obsessive...I mean, concerned and loyal fans, realize that Nine Inch Nails never really existed, and that there will never again be a NIN tour, per se, (especially not one involving Trent Reznor, Toni Basil, and Hans "Fingers" Staffansdotter) they will be extremely fucking pissed. When they find out that I am not living up to what I'm supposed to be (I love those lyrics) they will hunt me down, string me up and possibly cut off my hands...and that is a best case scenario, I'm a smart cookie, I know. I want to say that the reason I have decided to discontinue my music (if you want to call it that) is because, well, I never really had a musical career to begin with...it's all been a lie...I never actually wrote a single lyric for any of my previous albums, hell, I can't even really play the guitar; this whole thing, the past 15 years, have been complete Milli Vanilli bullshit. Don't say I didn't warn you though. In fact, I felt so horrible about the scheme that I forced my songwriter to add hints to his works...remember these lines? "for all I aspire, I am really a liar, and I'm running out of things I can do," and don't forget the ever-popular, "I play a game, it's called insincerity," well, it's true. Trent Reznor is a scam and the driving force behind NIN is really, Danny Lohner, Eddie Vedder and a whole whack of synths and macs (for those of you who aren't so tech savvy, those are shorthands for synthesizers and Macintosh computers). My name isn't even Trent Reznor, ha...it's actually Trevor Reznik and that Machinist movie is my real biography. I can't sing a goddamn note, I'm actually deaf in one ear because of the constant drone of the lathing, and the other one seems to be following in it's earsteps (ha, ha...nevermind). I can barely hear a fucking word that anyone says, let alone sing. If people are wondering why that movie gives them a creepy sorta feeling, it's because it hides the truth, in plain sight, Trentvor Reznorik, Lathing King extraordinaire. Believe it or not, I just don't care anymore, that is why I feel I must write this to you. The past couple of years, my conscience has really been riding my ass, "Trevor, you liar, Trevor you need to come clean, Trevor you misleading piece of shit, I thought you did not want this, how could you do this to your fans?" so I devised a plan to purify myself, because we all know that a lie of this proportion would damn me to the ninth circle of hell, and I sure as fuck don't want to be stuck down there with Rob, Fab and fat Freddie (no, Fred Durst unfortunately isn't lip syncing, but that's why he'll be there). My plan was this, to slowly reveal my terrible lie. I began with those obscure images on nin.com, remember these little keys:
-there is a slight problem here
-time and causality paradoxes
-to let understanding stop at what cannot be understood is a high attainment. Those who cannot do it will be destroyed on the lathe of heaven
-the stuff about daydreams
-the binary...ones and zeroes (the zeroes being me, nothing...get it?)
Yeah, you're seeing the real picture now, aren't you? Remember that whole "Lathe of Heaven" thing, the Mannie Ahrens perpetration, and the, "I'm on the other side" bullshit. See, don't say I didn't try to warn you.
I am not Trent, there is no Trent, I am Trevor...I have been systematically killing Trent, slowly but surely fading him out, in much the same way that John Malm Jr. has been faded out...FYI, he doesn't exist either, that's actually the real name of my dog "Daisy May." The fading on nin.com makes much more sense now, doesn't it? But, you may be wondering what exactly is to come for "NIN"...the old adage "out with the old and in with the new" holds true in this case. My most recent AP article contained the quote, "that person isn't here anymore" and I want to explain this in some depth, because I feel my psychotic...I mean, loving fans, deserve to hear it. That Trent person isn't here anymore because, as you now know, he never really was, instead, he will be replaced by...are you ready for this?...Trevor Reznik! I have decided to quit my machinist job and actually take charge of NIN, for the first time in my miserable life. I was losing so much sleep over my treachery and now I've decided to make it up to me, and to everyone else, by actually writing, singing and playing, myself. That is why I was also quoted as saying, "the record explores loss and possible discovery of self"...out with Reznor, my dead friend and the blurred lines, in with Reznik and the new shit. I have discovered my true musical potential...but, that is also why I am in hiding right now. The album is indeed finished and it sounds "much more stripped down and raw than 'The Fragile.' It's like the antithesis of the last record, it's much more immediate, direct and aggressive," because it's actually my first real work since, well, ever. Direct, antithesis, get it? Back to my fear though; because of the new sound of this album and my years of misleading acting, I am not so sure how the fans will react, especially since their Trent god is dead, hence Myriam's brilliant AP photo. So, until I can read this situation more clearly, I will wait here, in this place which cannot be named, until I have proof undeniable that I will not be lynched for this grand scheme.
I want to offer my sincerest apologies to all those who I have betrayed and ask for forgiveness. It is my hope that this album will be given a fair chance since it is, my virginal debut. If forgiveness is not an option then...well, I'll just have to kill myself. My pretty-boy good looks and my superb method acting abilities got me this gig, now I'm hoping to glide along with my actual talent.
There, you know it all, but, don't discount the fact that this could also be a massive load of steaming bullshit. Gotta go now, that sweet sexy bitch, FFXI, is calling my name.
Oh yeah, I forgot, Trevor Reznik apologizes to no one...what was I thinking? If they don't like the new album, they can suck my balls.