January 26, 2004
WTF Week, Day 1
Hello friends. You may or may not remember that I've been having a "contest" of sorts, in which people JUST LIKE YOU YES YOU may send in your own damn articles in the hopes that it might be hastily copied and pasted on here for thousands of people to point and laugh at. I think I did that, anyway. Hold on, let me check.
Okay, yeah, that really happened. I was going to say, that would be weird if I just imagined it, because a buttload of people sent in stuff regardless. Well, anyway, here's what I'm going to do just to piss you off. Instead of going through all of them and saying "Hey this one is super funny! And this one here makes me want to kick babies!", I'm just going to randomly pick one out of a hat each day this week. So just because I don't end up using the one you sent in, it doesn't mean I hate you. Just kidding, yeah it does. But that's how it's going to be. And to make things even better,
Also, since today's submission didn't come with any pictures (which is fine), I've added some of my own to accompany them. Let the fun begin!
The Pre-Bleeding Tour
On that faithful day Twent decided to look at his fan e-mail. But as soon as his inbox loaded he ran off to practice his mean face in the bathroom medicine cabinet's mirror. At that time, Daisy May, being the intelligent pooch she is, decided to look at the fan mail too. Sifting through various messages such as, "THIS ALLBOM IS," and, "WH3n iS b33DtHROUgh CummEinG OWT?"(which caused her I.Q. to go down 56 points) she came a crossed an especially large e-mail. It contained a cursed fan made music video for "Deep" Clicking on this envelope instantly sent her into a disease induced coma! Around that time Mr. Rezzeloude, having mastered the mean face for now, came back into the room to find his dog twitching on the floor with her eyes rolled into the back of her head!"Oh dear Lord, why? Forgive me for ever thinking of writing that mind numbingly stupid song!" He sobbed, dropping to his knees.
He through his dog in the car and drove her over to the vet. After inspecting her, he said she was terminally ill from rare and extremely deadly infections deasies of the anis. He said there was only one cure and that would cost him $50,000,000. Looking in his pockets, Troy discovered he had spent all the money he made on the Fragility tour on plastic surgery to help him prefect the mean face. In a moment of desperation he devised a plain to raise money without getting a job.
He had been working on a few songs now and then. They were not finished and the album for them had not been released yet but, he decided that this was a great time to test them out.
He called up Brad Pitt errrr Danny Lohner and explained his dilemma to him. He said, "I don't know what sort of jobless slobs you can through together in the amount of time I need them but, anyone will do! Just get me three people and yourself to come to my house at ten!"
"Ummmmm... no!" said Danny.
"Do it or I'll force you to watch that fan made Deep music video too!"
At this point Danny hung up but, Treznor didn't have time to worry about him. He had to get a stage and a few signes together.
He knew that he had to put on a rockin' live show for the Bleedthrough album but, he didn't have time or money to make it really good so, he slapped the words "Pre-Bleeding Tour" on a few fence posts which we planted in the front yard with his body guard selling tickets. He then put a few cardboard boxes full of unsold "Down In It" singles behind the fence together for the stage.
About the time he finished putting this together, Danny came along with the rest of the line up for the Pre-Bleeding Tour. It consisted of Danny Lohner on guitar, David Bowie on bass guitar, Bulae the Rabid Goat on drums, and cEvin Key and Ogre on heroin.
"Why did you bring the old farts?" asked Reznor.
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Ogre, slapping his head feverishly because he was under the impression that David Bowie was his long lost pet, Twiggy the purple pig with gold wings.
Then, Bulae urinated.
They set to work plugging in amps and then waited for a few seconds for a crowd to show up. As it turns out, all the NIN fans had been waiting in the bushes outside Nothing studios for years on end for just this kind of thing to happen. The instant the band finished setting up, they climbed sprang out of their hiding places and attached the guard.
Trentzilla grabbed the mick. "Okay, this first song is called My Dead Friend!"
Danny and David started in with some awesome death metal guitar rifts.
Then Trent started singing.
The crowd then instantly vanished in a cloud of dust. Trent later split the money gained up with the band and had just enough to cure his dog.
Moral: I DON'T LIKE BABIES! RACECAR IS SPELLED THE SAME BACKWARDS AS FORWARDS!