January 20, 2004
The NIN Hotline Mailbag
Hi, it's me again. Sorry for updating again so soon, but that's just the way life is and you're going to have to deal with it.
Here at THE NIN HOTLINE we get lots of letters. Well, the electronic kind, anyway. I'm sure as shit not posting my mailing address on here. Ugh. Anyway, most of these emails are what we like to refer to as "News Submissions". That's when people "Submit News". For instance, if someone finds a pineapple that they feel resembles Trent Rezner's head, they will probably send us a "News Submission" to let us know. Or if someone sees a NIN logo hastily scratched onto one of the stalls in a truck stop restroom, again they will more than likely send in a "News Submission." We of course welcome "News Submissions", otherwise there wouldn't be "Submit News" links all over the front page.
Another type of email we occasionally get is the "Post My News You Motherfucker (PMNYMF)" letter. You see, a lot of times people will send in something that they consider newsworthy, but we don't. For example, someone writes in to say they saw Marilyn Manson rubbing his crotch on a mailbox at the corner of their street. Contrary what some people seem to assume, we don't post Marilyn Manson news, since he stopped being relevant around 1996 or so. Therefore, we would simply ignore the email. But instead of moving on with his or her life, the sender will follow up with a PMNYMF email, and complain that The NIN Hotline has a personal vendetta against him or her. Occasionally they will also threaten to start his or her own news site that will be a million times cooler than ours. The thought of that is quite mortifying for us, needless to say, and we really hope nobody ever does that.
And then sometimes we get mail like this:
(Warning: The following may cause severe rectal bleeding)
i cant believe it but revolver fuckin finally decided to put a good band in their magazine... to bad they r stupid and rated afi as a bettter live band... bunch of stupid morons that should be shit on and killed with spoons and t-bone steaks... i want them all to die with monkey jizz for their stupidity... but other than that.. there was a part talkin about the top 5 NIN songs to download, and NIN was rated in the top 25 best live bands... to bad they listed a whole bunch of shit ahead of them.. so i think it is an invalid article.. but hey its better than nothing... HAH nothing... nevermind... and the songs they listed foir download... i mean ya those r good.. but they must have jusrt randomly picked shit... where is Where In This Together... or Piggy... or March of the Pigs... or they should have just put alll of Downward Spiral and Fragile.. actually they should have said to never download NIN songs... but to go striaght out to the store and buy every songle NIN cd eve! r... and i bet cause the people who read this magazine and believe what they say to be true would go and buy the cds.... and i bet all those gay ass Thursday Thrice lovers would go something like this.... " AHHH GOOD MUSIC.. MUST TURN OFF AND LISTEN TO HORRIBLE PUNK"... ya well im rambling... but hey i want to ask what would i have to do to be able to write and article or two... or how can i get in touch with meat head.. i would like to write an update for those people... i mean i can write total nonesense to... but thumbs up to those guys.. make me laugh ever time... and nice NIN hotline... keep up good work over there
I'd always wondered what one would have to do in order to warrant execution via spoons, t-bone steaks and monkey jizz, but now I know. Thanks, TOM F. JOHNSON! From what I could gather from reading this email (in between dry heaves), apparently TOM F. JOHNSON is vexed about something Revolver Magazine published in a recent issue. The thing is, while we're "always" happy to hear other people's opinions on the latest goings-on with Nine Inch Nails and Friends, it really helps if these people at least pretend not to have a severe learning disability. I've touched on this topic countless times in the past, but I'll try once again to explain it clearly, using simple instructions:
1) Do you have anything useful to say?
If YES: Proceed to 2).
If NO: Turn off computer.
2) Compose your message. Be as concise as possible. Use appropriate grammar and punctuation.
3) Review your message.
If your message contains the phrase "gay ass", proceed to 4).
If your message contains the phrase "monkey jizz", proceed to 4).
If your message contains more than one three-letter word that is misspelled, proceed to 4).
If you have used an ellipsis after every sentence, proceed to 4).
If none of these apply, skip 4) and proceed to 5).
4) Retrieve gun from dad's closet. Place barrel in mouth. Pull trigger.
5) Click "Send" button.
6) Go do something productive.
One thing that I did find particularly amusing about this email was this little gem:
but hey i want to ask what would i have to do to be able to write and article or two... or how can i get in touch with meat head.. i would like to write an update for those people... i mean i can write total nonesense to...
This gave me what I will inevitably look upon later as a horrible, horrible idea. How would you like to take a stab at writing a Meathead Perspective? It's obviously not that hard, according to TOM F. JOHNSON. Just type up some total nonsense, and instant funny! LOL or whatever. I've actually considered this idea several times in the past as a way to help alleviate this howling void of NIN news, so what the hell, I hereby announce the following:
GUEST COLUMNIST CONTEST!!!
Here's the deal. You write what you think is funny. It can be about any topic you want, as long as it pertains to Nine Inch Nails in some fashion. It can be as long as you want. You may include pictures, but try not to overdo it. Send your entries to meathead @ d8i.com. If and when I receive enough submissions, I will then choose one or more to display here on this page. My criteria for selecting which entries make the cut are completely arbitrary; i.e. there are no "right" answers, I'll simply put up whatever the hell I feel like putting up, duuude. The deadline is September 4, 2012 (or possibly sooner).
And yes, TOM F. JOHNSON is eligible.