December 3, 2003
The Wonders Of NIN.COM!

Since the new and improved went online last week, I've gotten a number of emails from individuals asking me how to get into the website, because apparently I'm the go-to guy when it comes to answering inane Nine Inch Nails-related questions. Awesome.

I have no idea why people are asking me how to get into, though, because the answer should be blatantly fucking obvious. All you have to do is click where it says "CLICK HERE TO ENTER NIN.COM" (see below).

How is that difficult? It's right there. Why do you need to email me and ask me instead of just looking for yourself? Christ almighty you people are slow. I can't be the only person who sees the link right there. I guess if you don't see it, that must mean you're just not cool enough to get in. If this is the case, allow me to fill you in on what you're missing out on.

The new is quite simply the most amazing website-- no, the most amazing thing, period, that I have ever seen. You cannot possibly comprehend how incredible it is. It's a real shame you can't get in, because it is truly mind-blowing. There is so much content in there, it would be impossible for any one person to absorb everything that's there in one sitting. But let me show you some of the wonderful things I've seen so far:

When you first get in, there's a message from Trent Rezon himself, welcoming you to the website. Trent has been updating the message every day, sometimes even two or three times a day, unlike the of the past, where we were lucky to get more than one update within the span of six months. It's too bad you can't get in and read them, because they're so fucking awesome.

As if that weren't cool enough, there's also a very special section called TrentChat where you can ask Trent anything that's on your mind, and he'll give you a direct answer within minutes! Any question you can possibly think of, from "What's Trent's favorite UPN sitcom?" to "Is Trent getting enough fiber?" can now be definitively answered by the man himself. Fuck! This is SO COOL!! I can barely handle it! Don't you wish you could be there? I know what Trent's favorite kind of ice cream is, and you don't. Loser!

Oh yeah, and those of us smart people who are able to get into the website are able to download bleedthrough. That's right, I have it on my hard drive and am listening to it right at this very moment, and let me tell you, it is the best music anyone has ever made in the history of mankind. It will totally revolutionize life as we know it. And you won't get to hear it until next year, because you're too stupid to figure out how to get into

I probably shouldn't tell you any more about what's going on at right now, because then they might block my access to it, just like they already blocked yours because of how dumb and ugly you are. But let me just say this... thanks to, I now know the following:

the true meaning of life

the precise locations of Jimmy Hoffa, the Ark of the Covenant, and every sock I've lost since 1983

the date the aliens will arrive to enslave us all, and how to defend myself against them

the date the next album is coming out

the reason Adrian Sherwood continues to find work

...and much, much more. Well anyway, I'm off to continue exploring the endless, fascinating depths of Sorry you can't come along! See you next time.

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