October 30, 2003
Ask Hank!

Hi again. Today we're going to try out something new here on the Meathead Perspective, whether you like it or not. As anyone who's read the NIN Hotline should know already, Danny Lohner has gotten a lot of attention lately. He's gone from "that dude in that one TRUSTcompany video" to "that dude who keeps talking about things that one would expect Trent to talk about instead." Danny Lohner is now apparently serving as Trent's Metatron, since we mortals obviously lack the mental capacity to withstand the awesome power of the voice of Trent Reznor. Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, now that Danny Lohner's Mister Popular, it turns out his younger brother, Hank, is also enjoying some newfound fame as well. Hank works at the Grease Monkey in Horse Branch, Kentucky. Previously, when he would tell every customer who comes in that his brother is Danny Lohner of Nine Inch Nails, he would just get confused looks. But now that Danny has been on CNN and in practically every single magazine in circulation as a result of his work on the Underworld soundtrack, the customers instead respond with "Oh, that's nice." Hank is livin' it up!

Needless to say, Hank is a huge fan of the Meathead Perspective. He sent me an email the other day telling me all about who he is and how his brother is Danny Lohner of Nine Inch Nails. Apparently one of the top editors of the local paper is a big Nine Inch Nails fan, and offered Hank his own weekly advice column. Since I'm such a hell of a nice guy, I thought I'd help him out by sharing the first edition of his column here on the Perspective. Hopefully other newspapers will take notice, and pick up his column as well. Enjoy (or don't, I don't care)!

Hey y'all, my name's Hank Lohner. My brother Danny is in Nine Inch Nails, with Trent Reznor! I'm going to answer some of your advice letters now.

Dear Danny Lohner's Less-Successful Brother, Hank,
My grandmother just turned 83 this week, and she still drives herself around from place to place. I really think she should consider hanging up the car keys before she becomes a danger to herself and others on the road, but every time I bring it up with her, she just gets angry and tries to change the subject. What should I do? Oh, and NIN rocks!

— J.W.

Dear J.W.,
Fuckin' A! NIN is bad ass. My brother Danny (he plays bass for them) got me backstage once after a show, and we hung out with some groupies. I tried to get with this one chick, I think her name was Susan or something, but she totally fuckin' blew me off. I saw Trent there too, but he said something about not wanting to hang out with no damn hillbillies and left. I didn't see no goddamn hillbillies nowhere, I don't know what his fuckin' problem was. Whatever. It was a damn good show though! Sorry about your grandma.

Dear Danny Lohner's Less-Successful Brother, Hank,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years now. We get along great and everything, but he dresses like a total slob! Even when we go out to a nice restaurant, or to the movies, he always wears these old, faded jeans and ratty old Nine Inch Nails shirts. He insists on wearing what feels comfortable, not what "looks nice." He's 28! How can I get him to grow up and dress his age already?

— H.M.

Dear H.M.,
Jesus, lady, what the hell's your problem? NIN fuckin' rules! Your man obviously has some great taste in music, I can tell you that right now. You oughtta consider yourself lucky he don't go out dressed up in no queer-ass Backstreet Boys shirt. I'm wearin' my old Downward Spiral shirt that my brother Danny gave me back in '94, and I'll be wearin' it till the day I die! And I'll tell you what, I get plenty of tail thanks to this ol' shirt right here (Of course my good looks don't hurt none, neither). So if you think you're too good for your boyfriend, he sure won't have any trouble findin' someone else who shares his enjoyment of the finer things in life, like Nine Inch Nails, and Metallica's pretty cool too.

Dear Danny Lohner's Less-Successful Brother, Hank,
You know Trent Reznor, right? I live near him. I'm not a huge fan of his per se, but I was intrigued when I learned he was moving into the neighborhood several years ago. At first everything was fine, but then he started having these loud parties that go on late into the night. I've tried leaving notes in his mailbox politely asking him to stop, but he still does it to this day! To make matters worse, I think he even invites other rowdy bands like Ministry to these parties! I really don't want to involve the police, since I do respect him as a musician, but this late-night ruckus needs to stop! Do you think you could possibly use your connections to help put an end to this? If I find one more crumpled beer can in my yard, I'm going to go apeshit!

— A.R.

Dear A.R.,
Damn dude, if Trent was partying every night down the street from my double-wide, you bet your ass I'd be over there partyin' with him! Ain't you ever seen Closure? You gotta hand it to him, the dude knows how to party down. Since Danny Lohner (of Nine Inch Nails) is my brother, I've gotten to hang out at a few parties with Trent, but he never really talked to me much. I tried to offer him the beer bong once and he just acted like he wasn't in the mood to drink. Yeah right Trent, I know how you are. But whatever. Anyway, if you're really not into partying, I guess you could just soundproof your house or whatever. I mean, Jesus, what the hell do you expect when you live next to fuckin' Trent Reznor? Quit bein' so damn bitchy.

Dear Danny Lohner's Less-Successful Brother, Hank,
Okay, look, I know you're Danny's brother, but that does not give you any reason to be leaving drunken messages on my answering machine the past four nights. It's fucking annoying. I don't even know why Danny gave you my number, but if you don't cut it out, I'm going to call the police, you fucking hillbilly.

— T.R.

Dear T.R.,
What the fuck? Who the hell are you? Oh shit, are you that chick Tracy that works at the Liquor Locker? I didn't even know I had your number! How the hell did Danny get it? I must have been really hammered this week. But hey, you don't have to be a bitch about it. I don't even think you're that hot, personally. Oh wait, Tracy's last name don't start with an R. What the fuck. Well, I don't know who the hell you are, but quit writing to me, you damn moron. I'll get my buddy Steve to come over to wherever you are and kick your fuckin' ass.

Anyway, my lunch break's over, so I gotta get back to work. Thanks for your letters (except for that dumb shit T.R.) and I'll catch y'all next time!

—Hank Lohner (Danny's brother)

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