December 6, 2001
Screw Harry Potter

I know I haven't updated in what some people consider to be "for-goddamned-ever", but:

a) I've been kinda busy, and;
b) There's not really much to write about at the moment.

Of course I intend to make fun of the Nine Inch Nails Live: And All That Could Have Been DVD/CD when it's released next month. But until then, the river of NIN-funniness has run a little dry. However, an issue has come up which I feel compelled to address, so maybe this will shut you bastards up for five minutes.

In the past week, my inbox was violated by 46,202 emails from people excitedly telling me that a character in the new Harry Potter motion picture bears a strong resemblance to popular goth rocker Trent Reznor, and 24,013 emails from people telling me the same thing in a more apathetic tone. I went for several days ignoring and deleting said emails (this took several hours at a time), but I have now reached my breaking point, thanks to you jerks.

After viewing several photographs of the character "Severus Snape" (portrayed by actor Alan Rickman), I can't deny that there is a noticeable similarity to that Nine Inch Nails guy, but I honestly can't imagine why anyone would think this is a subject that is worth talking about for more than 0.8 nanoseconds, let alone actually something to laugh at. I don't automatically shout out "Hey, that guy looks like TRENT REZNOR!!" every time I see some mopey-looking guy with shoulder-length black hair. Anyone that does react in that manner is a stupid idiot, and I would prefer that these people never come back to my internet website ever again. You make me sick!

I think it goes without saying that Harry Potter is the Antichrist, and that nobody should read the books or watch the movie, but I suppose everyone is entitled to their own opinion even if it's wrong. But even if I felt the slightest interest whatsoever in going to the theatre to see Harry Potter, and noticed a slightly Trent-like character within the film, my reaction would probably be more along the lines of "hmm, okay" than "OH MY GOD LOOK IT'S TRENT IN THE MOVIE LOOK EVERYBODY TRENT REZNOR IS IN THIS MOVIE HOLY CRAP IN A BUCKET TRENT WOO!!!"

Naturally, this Reznoresque character has caused a disturbing number of people to subscribe to the completely retarded idea that the individuals who made this movie, and even author J.K. Rowling, are huge Nine Inch Nails fans, and intentionally made Mr. Snape to look like Trent Reznor. Perhaps Alan Rickman himself is a Nine Inch Nails fan, and asked the producers, "Could you please make me look like Trent, because Nine Inch Nails is so cool!"

As we all know, Trent has copyrighted the "Downward Spiral-era" look, with the black hair and grumpy face. They must have had to ask Trent for permission to make Snape look like him, otherwise they could have faced serious criminal penalties. I can't even imagine how much money he's made off Stabbing Westward's Christopher Hall by now.

Sure, I'm just being a sarcastic prick (as usual), but the sad reality is that there are people who actually believe this. People actually care that some guy in some dumb movie looks kind of like some guy in some rock band. And then, said people actually email me to share this information. I have been getting so many goddamn Harry Potter-related emails lately that the "Government Grants Are For Real!!!!!! 28735" and "Models Use our Breast Enhancement Cream" emails were a welcome respite.

I would like to take this opportunity to encourage the people who read this website who aren't complete tools to please physically and emotionally assault anyone you meet who tries to tell you about how so-and-so looks like Trent Reznor and that you should think it's funny and/or interesting. Use a belt or a stick, if available. Oh, and Merry Christmas.

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