May 2, 2001
Where The Hell Is The DVD? Ch.68
You may be wondering why it's been so long since this wonderful story has been updated. Well, let's just say that I strongly recommend against watching The Golden Girls on LSD for 13 hours straight, and leave it at that (don't worry, I'm undergoing intensive therapy and should be "better" within the year).
Unless you're really, really stupid, you know that there is a brand new Nine Inch Nails song entitled "Deep" on the soundtrack for the upcoming summer blockbuster Tomb Raider, starring Billy Bob Thornton. Radio stations across the country are now beginning to add "Deep" to their playlists. Many people have been attempting to transcribe the lyrics on their own. However, since I'm Mr. Special, I didn't have to, because my "source" close to Nothing Records (some guy who used to beat up Trent in high school) was nice enough to personally send me the correct lyrics, along with a virus that completely reformatted my hard drive. And since I'm such a nice person, I'm passing the savings along to you! Here they are! Now quit e-mailing me already, jerks.
Anyway, during my absence, we've missed a few chapters of the "Where the Hell is the DVD?" saga. But we need to keep the story rolling along, so instead of taking the time to go back over everything we missed while I was hiding from Estelle Getty in the tool shed, let's just pick up where the story is currently. Don't worry, I'm sure things shouldn't be too different from where we last left off a few weeks ago.
"They got Charlie!" shouted Meathead. "Now it looks like it's just us, Trent. You and me. We're in this--"
"Don't even fucking say it," interjected Trent. "I'll kick your ass and steal your camel, I swear to God."
"Jeez, you don't have to get so testy. Just because we got eaten up by a big black hole and ended up in Egypt, in a parallel universe, a hundred years in the future, that's no reason for you to act all cranky."
"We're being picked off one by one by these fucking Sand Robots?," Trent retorted, "and you expect me not to be cranky?! Charlie is dead now! So is Danny, and Keith, and Leo, and Rob!"
"Hey, we don't know Rob is dead. We didn't actually see him get devoured alive, like we did the others."
"Well, either way, he sure as hell isn't coming back. Now who am I gonna get to update nin.com twice a year?"
Trent paused and squinted at Meathead.
"Oh no, nuh-uh. No way," said Meathead, shaking his head.
"Oh well, it's not like we're ever going to make it back alive to begin with."
Before Meathead could respond to Trent's naysaying, a deep, droning sound rose up from the ground behind them.
"Hey, that sounds kinda neat," remarked Trent. "It'd make a great annoying background noise for a website."
"Damn it, Trent, you said that the last five times! It's another one of those Sand Robots?! Except this time, I'm not gonna let it eat one of us! Especially not me!"
Meathead raised his arm-cannon and pressed the "On" button. A stereotypical female computer voice announced: "Laser Cannon On. Charging." The droning hum continued for a few moments, steadily growing louder, until at last the ground opened up and spewed forth a dreaded Sand Robot?.
"Charging," spoke the computer voice again. The Sand Robot? rose and leaned forward, preparing to attack Meathead. Trent breathed a sigh of relief.
"Come on you bastard," griped Meathead. "It's the year 2103, you'd think they'd have laser cannons that charge faster than this by now."
Suddenly the Sand Robot? emitted a piercing shriek, and its eyes began to glow bright red.
"Goddamn it!" screamed Meathead, smacking the gun with his good arm. "Technology pisses me off!"
"Laser cannon charged."
The red light on the cannon changed to green, and Meathead pressed the fire button without delay. The cannon fired with such force that Meathead was launched backwards from his camel and onto the hot sand some ten yards away. When he returned to his senses and stood up, he saw that the Sand Robot? had been reduced to mere shrapnel littering the desert landscape. Near the robot's head, a small man lay dazed on the ground. Meathead approached the man and raised his gun.
"Don't shoot!" cried the man. "Please don't shoot me!"
"What the hell, it's Thom Yorke!" exclaimed Meathead. "You've been controlling these Sand Robots??"
"I know it looks bad," stammered Thom Yorke, "but.. but I can explain!"
Meathead looked at his laser cannon and, seeing that the intensity gauge was set to the "Holy Shit" level, turned it down a few notches. Then he pressed the "Charge" button.
"All right, explain," said Meathead.
"It's all Darth Patrick's fault! He's the one behind--"
"Wait wait. Hold on. 'Darth Patrick'?"
"Yeah," answered Thom Yorke. "That's what Richard makes us call him now."
"Oh my god," said Meathead.
"Laser cannon charged."
"Come on, you're gonna let me go now right?" pleaded Thom Yorke. "I mean, Kid A was pretty good, wasn't it?"
Meathead pressed the "Fire" button.
"Hey Meathead, look out!" exclaimed Trent.
Meathead quickly turned away from the remains of Thom Yorke to see a cloaked figure rushing toward him in a golf cart. He raised the laser cannon to aim it at the approaching bastard, but was informed by the irritating computer voice that the batteries were nearly dead.
"The batteries are dead," announced the computer.
"This sucks," stated Meathead matter-of-factly.
The cloaked individual leapt from the speeding golf cart and pulled back the hood of his robe.
"I am Darth Patrick!" announced the man. "Check out my cool lightsaber thing!"
Darth Patrick fumbled through his pocket for a moment, and pulled out a long metal cylinder. As he held it lengthwise in front of him, two glowing blades appeared, one from each end of the cylinder. They made a cool "psshooooooom" sound.
"Oh come on!," Meathead groaned, rolling his eyes. "This is ridiculous! Who the hell's writing this crap?"
"I don't want to fight you right now, Meathead," said Darth Patrick, "even though you're always mean to me. No, right now I want to kick Trent's ass once and for all!"
"Oh, this should be interesting," returned Meathead.