March 22, 2000
Safety First

The start of the U.S. tour is now closer than ever (imagine that), and because I haven't been taking my medication, I feel that it is my duty to inform you of ways to protect yourself from getting hurt at any of the shows. Many people who have never attended a NIN concert, or have gotten stuck in the shittiest seats possible (i.e. the "Lawn" section of Nissan Pavilion at Stone Ridge during the Outside tour in '95) are unaware of the potential physical hazards of seeing NIN live.

(CSU Convocation Center)
The closer you are to the stage, the more you are at risk of getting beaten up. Not only will you possibly have to dodge airborne objects launched in your direction by Trent and his filthy cohorts, but you'll also be at the mercy of the elbows, feet, knees, fists and heads of hundreds of other energized NIN fans. Of course, this applies only if you are in the "danger zone" (see diagram at left). If you were fortunate enough to be screwed in the ass by Ticketmaster and assigned a seat someplace like "Section 111 Row G", then you have nothing to worry about. You can just sit back and relax while taking pity on those poor individuals who are forced to be up front where all the action is. Hell, they don't even get chairs to sit in, what's up with that?


One of the many risks of being near the stage at a NIN show is the constant threat of being hit in the head by half-empty plastic water bottles and/or other objects (i.e. drumsticks, guitar picks, keyboards, etc) from the stage. Sure, maybe Celine Dion doesn't throw things at people, but Trent Reznor is not Celine Dion. A hit from a water bottle can cause temporary pain in the head region, as well as dampening of the clothing. But don't worry! This doesn't have to happen to you! Here's a handy technique you can use to protect yourself from deadly water bottle attacks.

NIN likes to play their rock 'n roll music really loud. It's especially loud in the front, but it's pretty darn loud anywhere you are located, even as far back as Section 111 Row G. Therefore, you should be sure to wear earplugs. Not only are big green foam earplugs sporty, sleek and attractive, but they help protect your precious eardrums from Trent Reznor's relentless sonic assaults.

A lesser-known danger of being at a NIN show is the possibility of Metroid? attacks. Metroids? are alien lifeforms that attach themselves to other lifeforms and drain their energy. While Metroid? attacks at a NIN concert are rare, they can be very deadly when they do happen. Don't be too worried, since the attacks are few and far between, but it's best to always keep an eye out


Trent, be warned: After reading this week's Meathead Perspective, the fans will be more prepared to deal with the things you throw at them. In fact, they may throw things back at you when you're not expecting it. There is no place you can go; there is no place you can hide. On top of this risk, there's always the possibility that a rabid fan will attempt to hurl themself onto the stage and lick you. But fear not, your buddy Meathead has come up with a plan to keep such a disaster from happening and interrupting the show.

Have you considered the idea of putting an 8,000-volt electric fence along the perimeter of the stage? You have to admit, it's a pretty damn good idea. Another good idea would be to use Dobermans instead of security people, but I'll save that for another riveting episode of the Perspective.

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