March 8, 2000
Hey, Trent's Coming! Look Busy!

As you can tell by this picture of Trent Reznor rehearsing in his studio while sportin' the phat, stylin' threads, Nine Inch Nails are at this time preparing to tour the United States. That means that it won't be long before those of us who have been forced to wait until last finally get our turns to be injured at a NIN show after five damn years.

In the meantime, we'll have to find stuff to do to keep us occupied during the wait. I don't know about you, but when I get bored, I like to play with toys (by the way, I'm actually six years old). I went looking around at some different toy stores in the area and found a few obscure, yet totally bodacious NIN-related items which I am playing with at this very moment. If you can't find these at your local toy store, then your local toy store sucks.


You can only imagine the squeals of delight that emitted from my vocal cords when I spotted these guys on the shelf. I'd always said that they should make a blatant ripoff of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe based on the guys in Nine Inch Nails. Well, it looks like someone up there heard me, because here they are. Well, these are only two of them. Unfortunately, Finck-Klops?, Meka-Dillon? and Lohn-Rrr? were fucking sold out. Bastards!

Nonetheless, these would make good stocking stuffers, if it were anywhere near Christmas.

There is a game I play

Is that vial of Trent's sweat just not helping you feel close enough to him? Do you actually want to crawl into his mind and be him, John Malkovich style? Psycho. Well, anyway, maybe this will help. It's The Game of Trent's Life, where you get to actually be Trent Reznor, in the form of a little plastic game piece moving around on colored blocks on a piece of cardboard.

Now when Trent says "You know me, well you think you do," you can say "No, I don't think I do, I know I do because I played The Game of Trent's Life!"

Ooh, that tickles!

This toy, which is 100% original and has absolutely nothing to do with any other toy out there, should come as a real treat for Leo Herrera fans. This incredibly life-like doll will help on those cold and lonely nights when you want nothing more than to hold and tickle a red, fuzzy effigy of an engineer for Nine Inch Nails. You'd better hurry though, these things are going fast (lots of weirdos out there).

Fun for the whole family

So, there you are, wondering what to do with those CD's that you have little to no use for, like the "Down In It" single, the "March of the Pigs" import and the red "We're In This Together" disc. Let's face it, you never listen to them, since pretty much all the songs on them are on other CD's as well, and who really wants the radio edits anyway?

Now you finally have some fun with those CD's, with the new Ultra CD-Launch-O-Matic-O-Rama 7056 II! Using new "spring-loaded" technology, the Ultra CD-Launch-O-Matic-O-Rama 7056 II hurls the spinning metal discs at your friends at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour, which is much faster than similar toy projectile launchers, which rarely exceed 20 miles per hour.

The Ultra CD-Launch-O-Matic-O-Rama 7056 II also works well with AOL disks.

Sweet smell of crayons

These are great for those people who happen to like NIN and also go to elementary school. Unlike other "quality" brands, Nine Inch Nails crayons come in a cool yellow box with a NIN logo on the front. There are many rich, vibrant colors available, such as Exquisite Red, Deepest Shade of Mushroom Blue, Black as Your Soul, and I Do Not Want This Beige.

64 colors in all (sold separately in eight slightly different boxes for $15 each, and only available in another country).

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