January 12, 2000
Learn Some Manners

Good news, America! Trent and his NIN buddies will be returning soon to play their music for all of us who have been waiting for them there foreign people to have their turn. Now, during this tour, some lucky bastards will certainly manage to make their way backstage. If one of these bastards turns out to be you, you'll need to know the proper etiquette for interacting with Nine Inch Nails. Here are a few pointers to help you along.

Keep a respectable distance.

It's important to remember to use good judgment regarding the distance you put between yourself and the band. You don't want Trent to remember you as "that creepy guy with the onion breath that kept trying to feel my package", or "that girl who hid in the corner and squealed like a pig when anyone approached her". Instead, try to at least pretend to be a rational, sane individual. Stand approximately 3-4 feet away from the musician, extend your hand to the halfway point between him and yourself, and politely say "Hello, I am (your name here). I am an admirer of your work, and it is a pleasure to meet you."
Now was that so hard?

Standing too close (L); too far away (C); and the proper distance.

Minimize cheesy song references.

Don't purposely try to integrate lame NIN references while speaking with Trent or the other band members. You might think it's cool, but they will not.

Danny: Hey Trent, wanna invite Joe over there along to hang out with us for a little bit? He seems cool.

Trent: Nah.. he greeted me with "halo" instead of "hello".

Danny: Really? Oh my god. I had no idea.

Violence isn't cool.

As a general rule, threats toward the band are not welcomed. In fact, doing so might even get you arrested and yelled at. So check your assault weapons at the door.

Leave Igor at home.

Try to avoid bringing your weird friend who eats glue along with you when you go backstage. If you are bringing a friend, be sure that your friend is capable of not being an ass and embarrassing you in front of Nine Inch Nails. Have your friend practice with a cardboard stand-up of Trent, if necessary.

Keep your pants on.

It's okay to ask for an autograph, as long as you do so politely and tactfully. Bring something that is easy to write on, like a CD case, flyer or T-shirt, and a felt-tip pen or marker. Do not ask Trent to sign your ass.

"Hey, I'll sign your ass!"

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